What They Don’t Tell You

I had my first miscarriage in a Walmart bathroom.

I had woken up in the middle of the night to heavy bleeding and cramping. Obviously unprepared, we hopped in the car as I called my doctor. I remember sitting on the toilet rethinking everything. Everything I ate. Every activity. EVERYTHING was playing over and over again in my head. What had I done wrong? Why was this happening? What I would later find out is that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage and 1 in 8 couples will struggle with infertility. Why was I just hearing this now? Why wasn’t this something that was discussed?

I was one of those “naive” or I guess just uninformed newly married people who thought to myself “well, I checked that box off, now to check off the next one”. Never did it cross my mind that building a family wouldn’t come easy for us. Never at any time during my high school or college education were miscarriages or infertility talked about. I was completely unprepared for the world I was being thrust into. Unprepared in every sense of the word. I was unprepared for the guilt I would feel. Unprepared for the anxiety I would feel with later pregnancies. Unprepared for the immense jealousy I would feel when friends announced pregnancies or I saw pregnant strangers at Target. I felt completely alone and had no idea where to turn.

Luckily, a friend of a friend recommended RESOLVE. RESOLVE is the National Infertility Association and organizes over 200 support groups across the country. They also advocate for legislation that better supports families navigating infertility. Their mission statement actually reminds me a lot of what our goal here is at Kindred. It states “We believe all people challenged in their family building journey should reach their resolution by being empowered by knowledge, supported by community, united by advocacy, and inspired to act.” I would encourage anyone who has struggled with infertility to check out RESOLVE and consider finding a support group where you live. For me, it was so powerful and healing to sit in a room with other women and be able to discuss all the complicated emotions I was feeling. It made me feel normal and it made me feel seen.

The big question is, why aren’t miscarriages discussed more? Why isn’t infertility more common conversation? Why isn’t it taught in sex education? We have the power to change it. We have the power to educate and to empower people to share.

I know I have talked about this before but adoption is something we had always talked about actually since my first date with John. We knew regardless of biological kids or not, it was a way we dreamed about growing our family. Obviously, biological kids was a dream too. For us though, our 4 miscarriages, although horrific and painful, felt like a nudge to pursue our plan of adoption for our family. But the thing is, if you came to adoption after infertility, if it wasn’t part of your original plan, that is ok too. IT IS OK. Everyone’s journey is different. Some people know they want to adopt right away and some people come around to the idea over time and some people don’t at all. Some people never pursue biological children. Some people try for years and all the different options. One is not better than the other. There is no right or wrong.

WE SEE YOU.

We see you wherever you are.

And our hope is that this space, these people, the words shared will help you navigate your own journey.

You aren’t alone.

We are better together.