Sweet Derek,
Sometimes it all feels like a dream.
I have questioned my sanity over the years of whether or not what happened ACTUALLY happened. I have wondered if you were just a story I made up so that I could feel like there was some rhyme or reason for the terrible things that have happened in my life.
But you are real.
I am your mother.
Our story did happen!
During the time that I was pregnant, you were still a shameful secret. I would hide during the day from anyone who might “discover you”. But at night, when it was just the two of us, I would free my belly from the layers of clothing and I would talk to you. I would feel you move and I would listen, listen for any guidance you could give me.
I did not understand it then, but the decision I was going to make was going to affect BOTH OF US greatly. I knew it had pros for me. I knew what the results of placing you for adoption would mean for me as far as freedom from responsibility and care. But I didn’t understand the emotional hell that I would be putting on myself or on you.
Please know that I didn’t know.
I believed with my whole heart that I was making the best decision for both of us.
I still believe that.
That was my job as your mother. To make decisions for you.
I am so glad that you have a voice now. That you get to talk about what you want and need. That you get to know me and our family now. That you get to feel everything you need to feel and that you have so much support in those feelings moving forward.
When I pored over your family’s profile a line was written just for me and I humbly read it through tears: “We feel strongly that your child should know of your greatness, your sacrifice, and your love. We will do all we can to fulfill your hopes and dreams for them. We will never let them forget that you gave them a beautiful life…”
Through great miracles and humble hearts, they have honored that promise. They have allowed you and I to continue our story. I never thought that would be possible. I believed that our grief-stricken goodbye at the hospital would be the end.
It was just the beginning.
Through pain, anger, tears, abandonment, grief, questions, sleepless nights and more (from both of us) we are allowed to know each other, to love each other and to continue this journey of family without regret, competition and without secret.
I am open to you.
My heart, my story, my shame and my redemption, it is open to you.
As you continue to grow and blossom into the amazing young man that I always knew you could be it is my deepest and sincerest prayer that you will come to know me, to share the desires of your heart and the thoughts you are yearning to know.
I honor you and I honor what you need and want to know.
I pray that God continues to bless our path. That it stays clear of the enemy and the powers he would use to keep us apart.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t shed a tear of love and appreciation for your family. They have given you a beautiful life, they loved you in ways that I was not capable, they have provided in ways that were not accessible and they have honored me in ways that are not human.
I love you. You are always with me. We have so much more to do, to share, to live and I can’t wait to stand with you as it all unfolds.
xo,
Ashley
