Tips for Newborn Bonding

I was asked the other day by a close friend how bonding was going since placement. She ask me if the connection was similar to the one I had to my biological son, a question I think a lot of adoptive parents get if they have biological children as well. She asked if the bond was immediate or if took more time. To be honest, I haven’t really thought about bonding since the first 48 hours with Brooklyn in the hospital yet stressed about it for months leading to the match. My experience with bonding happened right away. The moment I heard Mama L refer to me as “the baby’s mother” during labor, the bond was initiated. The first time I laid eyes on Brooklyn, the bond intensified. The moment Brooklyn reached my arms and her body pressed into my heart, the bond was solidified. We melted into each other. The room hushed. The world stopped. The worry dissipated. The bond established.

There can be a lot of pressure and uncertainty from the second you open your heart to adoption. There are timeline setbacks, the unfortunate circumstance of a failed adoption or interrupted match. The do’s and don’ts in the hospital room or when meeting the expectant mother can all be overwhelming that you don’t want to hinder the bonding process. There is so much to remember to make sure everyone involved is respected. There are fears of bonding and if it will come easy. Looking back on my experience, here are four things I learned as I started bonding with my daughter in the hospital:

Don’t hesitate.

Don’t hesitate with your love.

Allow yourself to love. Allow yourself to open your heart entirely and not just to the baby but to your child’s birth mom. You need to allow yourself to give everything you have because you do not want to look back and think that you could have loved harder.

Don’t hesitate with your touch. Skin to skin/kangaroo care and baby wearing are ideal touch bonding techniques. Syncing your heartbeats and taking long deep breaths together can help establish a loving bond. Rocking, cradling, soothing massages are all types of bonding techniques. Daily tasks like diaper changes and feeding provide a level of comfort and care.

Let go of the what if’s.

There was a lot on my mind after being apart of Brooklyn entering the world. The biggest thought was “what if this doesn’t work out?” That is a fair question to ask yourself and one I asked myself over and over but what if I didn’t give her everything I promised her and her birth mom because I held back? What if the adoption plan did all work out and I had been guarded and closed off? The what if’s can take over but you have to live beyond that and live the right now. Enjoy right now. Soak up the right now.

Open Communication.

If you have an open or semi-open adoption plan in place, it is important to communicate with the expectant mom her expectations and wants for the bonding experience. Ask questions and be open to answering them in return. Being comfortable with each other’s wishes for bonding will help the process come more naturally leaving everyone fulfilled. If the expectant mother requests time with the baby, that is not a sign she won’t move forward with the adoption. She is choosing to place this baby in your arms forever and she may need a few hours for closure. Be mindful that her wishes and hopes when devising the adoption plan may change once the baby is born so being adaptable is ideal.

Let go of expectations.

Bonding has no timeline or limits. It is a process that you cannot compare to others experiences or even previous children. There are a lot of components to bonding and we all cross each phase differently. It may happen quickly or it may take some time. Putting a time frame on the bonding process will create added pressure and stress on the adoption triad.

Whether the bonds are instant or grow over time, the ties between adopting parents and adopted children are as strong as any between biological child and biological parent. Let me remind you that bonding happens in multiple ways and it may not happen at birth but when you share the first natural giggle or their first spoken words. No matter what works for you and your baby remember that you will bond. You will melt into each other. You will be reminded that this was all worth the wait.