I know what you’re thinking… It was 2013, Open Adoption was “a thing” and didn’t you have choices around what type of adoption you wanted? Closed, open, semi-open.
The question I used to (and sometimes still) get asked is, “Didn’t you want to know her?” I could go into many reasons why this question is asked, but I’ll start with sharing why I chose a semi-open adoption at 7 ½ months pregnant and when taking the leap of faith to try and gain openness, I was met with a closed door.
At age 21, I found myself in college and planning to be a single parent. I was working and in school full-time, interning, and just trying to get my life together as a young adult. I accidentally became pregnant and was met with three solid options regarding the pregnancy. After lots of procrastination, hiding and lonely planning, I started to put together a nursery, plan for parenthood and became eager to meet my baby girl. I had been bouncing the idea of adoption in my head on occasion, but ultimately was more ambivalent than I could have ever imagined about my decision to place vs parent. At around 7 ½ months pregnant, I began working with an agency and met a couple whom I liked and who met my preferences, just in case I found the courage to place. I was very surface level in my contact and was afraid to welcome them in. I was mostly afraid of getting too close and hurting them if I didn’t place.
During my time working with the agency, I was asked how much contact I wanted with my child. I chose semi-open adoption for two main reasons; I did not want to confuse my child or interfere with her life and I didn’t think I could handle the emotional turmoil of an open adoption. Thinking back now, it seems as though I was given 2 options (semi-open or closed). I wasn’t informed, much less encouraged, to explore open adoption and because I didn’t ask, I didn’t learn. I knew that I didn’t want a closed adoption. I needed to know who was raising my child, if I chose to place, and I had clear parameters as to what kind of people I needed them to be for Corinne. I knew I wanted to see her grow up, but to me that truly meant without me being in the picture. It wasn’t until I found myself working smack dab in the middle of domestic infant adoption, where about 95% of my caseload included open adoptions, that I started thinking about the possibilities that could have been.
Ultimately, I decided to place, and a contact agreement was created that would include four updates within the first year via mail through the agency or a Shutterfly Share Site. After the first year, updates are to come twice a year, often times when requested by me. When Corinne was about 3 years old, I started writing letters to her adoptive parents about open adoption. I was SO afraid to even bring the topic up for fear of pushing them away. I had become so passionate about open adoption and had continued to hear about it’s benefits from child psychologists, social workers and at trainings, that I thought it was an idea that would be met with welcoming minds and hearts.
At first their “no” was somewhat expected and understood. After having worked with adoptive parents in the earlier stages of adoption education, I had prepared myself for this possible rejection. But it was distancing updates, with little content that followed that hit me like a wall of water. It sunk me to my core. What hurt the most was hearing that semi-open was my child’s adoptive parents’ plan from the beginning, prior to ever knowing me. That broke my heart because I have always been confident as a person and have applauded myself on knowing the existence of boundaries and healthy relationships.
When I was met with a firm no to the idea of starting a more open adoption and was threatened by the agency that if I kept pushing this it would affect our relationship and the possibility that I would stop receiving updates of my child again, I sank into a depression. I immediately started questioning my worth and why I might not be a good person for my daughter. I had given her life, I had given this couple an opportunity to parent.. I was telling them how much I loved and respected them as my daughter’s parents. Why was I being shut out? No matter how hard I tried, all I wanted to communicate was that I was NOT doing this for me… Of course, I wanted a relationship with my daughter and STILL do to this day, but this ultimately came down to my daughter, Corinne.
Since finding peace in this area of my journey, I have wrote apologetic notes to her adoptive parents, letting them know I understand where their heart is, even if I don’t agree, and that the love they have for Corinne may be blinding them to the love her birth family has for her too. And I am honest when I say that I may sometimes misinterpret their feelings, thoughts, emotions and fears around open adoption.
To agencies that still believe semi-open adoption is child centered, please remember how it may impact the child. Ashley Mitchell once said, “If we are not important to you (adoptive parents), we may never be important to our children, and we need to be”. Today, I strive to find peace in knowing that my daughter is loved beyond measure and that all the reasons I chose to place her at the time that I did, have been fulfilled.
Corinne, may you always know how often you are thought of, how much you are loved and how I wait and dream (literally) about the day I am reunited with you. May you know I will always give you the space you need to process. May you know I will never try to replace or overstep the love and guidance of your adoptive parents. Because. I chose them for you.
WRITTEN BY CHELSEA MOORE: Chelsea is a birthmom. She loves to fly fish and is ready to throw the next big camping trip for whoever is up for coming! She lives with her 2 cats, Sunny and Cher, in Portland, OR, with her partner and community of social justice friends. She is raw and ready to touch on topics of adoption that might make you uncomfortable. She has experience working in the adoption field and is currently working in social services on the geriatric side of things.
Judy MooreThis is the most beautiful and honest portrayal I have ever heard. Chelsea was very young and impressionable, but she wanted the very best for her daughter. Her family was going to be there for her, which ever decision she made. Our prayers are with you always. Love you.
KimDear Chelsea – We adopted our daughter when she was 13 years old. I know it may hurt now, but trust me, your daughter will want to know who you are. There will be a time in her life that questions will come to her adoptive parents and they will know it is time to let you in. Of course our daughter was much older, but we always let her guide us in what she wanted. Keep asking for those updates, don’t give up. Your daughter will want to know where she was from❤️