“The limits of my language means the limits of my world.”
― Ludwig Wittgenstein
The language of adoption has truly been a key factor in my healing and growth through the last decade of navigating my identity of “Birth Mother”. It has allowed me to expand my world of grief, healing and forward movement.
I believe, one of the greatest examples of language barriers in adoption come from the very transition of language, used to describe placement for the biological mothers.
Through the history of adoption this has been the transition in language:
- The “Baby Scoop Era” through the 60’s and 70’s where women were losing their children to adoption. This was a time of strictly closed adoption where the mothers were given NO information, no pictures, no names and often times no reveal of the sex of the baby. They were taken from them and they were left with nothing.
- The Social Work era in the 80’s where there was a little more power in choice and women gave up their children to adoption.
- To the newest era of open adoption and the women are placing their children for adoption.
From women who literally lost their children to adoption to women who are now making informed and educated decisions to place their children for adoption, we have expanded the limits of our world for the better.
BUT we have a long way to go.
So much of the terminology was created by the industry to make sure that all sides involved in adoption had a “place”. Biological Parent, Adoptive Parent, Adopted Child. They needed to be able to give a role, right and responsibility to each group and the language made that easier to keep it all straight.
I could go on and on about the creation of language used in the adoption industry to help move the machine forward but as we all know systems are flawed, humans are well human and the industry isn’t going anywhere It is my hope that we can educate and be mindful of positive adoption language in our own personal relationships.
Words matter!
Maybe more in adoption than in any other relationship dynamic I have seen, words can make or break a family.
But why is it so important?
In an emotionally charged relationship like the one that exists between an adoptive side and biological side, words are one of the few ways that we are allowed to validate each other, respect each other and include each other.
The way we paint a picture, the way we share a story, the way we portray each side of the triangle will determine what kind of relationship the individuals will have, and you could destroy an opportunity for a child to get to know where he/she comes from just by the way you speak of the birth/first/biological parent(s).
I am so grateful for Kindred + Co. for bringing me on to help consult on the profile books that are being created by couples that are hoping to adopt.
My main focus through the copy of this book is on the “hello” section and the “before you go” section.
Here is an example of how I can help you through this process:
MANY professionals (mind blowing really how many still do this) are using terms like “Dear Birth Mother” when assisting couples on how to write their opening statements to potential “matches”.
The simple phrase of writing a “Dear Birth Mother” letter first states that they have already chosen adoption. By calling them a birth mother before they have placed can be seen as a form of coercion. You are taking away their role at that moment before they even get started. It is NEVER a guarantee that just because they have started looking through profiles that they will place. They are simply parents that are expecting a baby and exploring options and seeking education. Period. Until they give birth and sign the relinquishment to terminate parental rights THEY ARE THE PARENTS that hold all the roles, rights and responsibilities to the child and they have options. Which brings me to a second point that using the term “Dear Birth Mother” is making the assumption that there is not a father involved and you are completely removing him from having a say in this process.
All of that from one simple phrase.
Wouldn’t it be nice, if through your profile, you were talking to the expectant parents like people, that you were acknowledging their role and honoring their right to decide? Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world that no matter how deeply we wanted a child, we only wanted that child if the parents making the choice to place were fully educated, supported and at a place of peace and acceptance with the decision that they were empowered to make?
These first and last sections of your profile book are the hardest to write. It really is an impossible task to write a letter to someone who may be considering you to adopt their very child. It feels even a little unnatural.
But we can help you express your thoughts, your desires AND express your love and support and understanding.
Please take the time to educate yourself on the power of language in adoption. It will be a game changer for you moving forward with your relationships. Learning to navigate these tricky times all come down to one thing – the words you use to express your desires. We have a choice in how we express our adoption relationships. Remember that like any other relationship that matters to you, it takes time, effort and awareness. Take into consideration that there are others that are a part of this complex triangle and what we say matters.
*disclaimer: I will be using the terms most commonly used in the adoption industry to keep everyone on the same page. I may or may not agree with the use of some of the terms and labels.
