Sometimes I find myself getting jealous. Angry even. Doubting. I see a woman with a cute pregnant belly and it makes my heart ache. I hear a friend is expecting her second and it makes me wonder when we’ll get to add number 2 to our family. Sometimes I really dislike the cost of adoption. That sounds harsh but it’s true. Is it worth it? YES. 100%. Always. But that doesn’t make it easy. We don’t get to just say “oh hey, we are ready for #2”. It’s a process, sometimes a long one and definitely an expensive one. It doesn’t get to just be a decision we get to make one night. We have a home study to do. Seemingly endless paperwork to fill out. We have to be financially ready and sometimes I just don’t like it. Today I don’t like it. If we had thousands of dollars just lying around we’d start the process again right this second but the reality is, we don’t. We are so fortunate to have our family, our friends, and even strangers who made our adoption of Luca a reality. We are forever grateful for that. And I know our day will come. Right now though it just doesn’t feel like it. To be honest, I’m not going to sugar coat this. We don’t always have to because sometimes things are just hard. I know in my heart that adoption is the way we were meant to grow our family. I truly and deeply believe that. But there are just some days when that reality isn’t easy. I trust God’s plan for us and I trust His timing. But does that mean some days I’m not impatient? Does it mean some days I don’t want that control? Definitely not. Right now happens to be one of those times. And that’s ok. One of my closest friends just wrote a blog post about being ok with not being ok. And right now, I’m ok that I’m not ok.
Although, I have to add in a little bit of a silver lining. It’s kind of how I operate. A couple of weeks ago I reached out to Becka Hall with Quiver Full Adoptions. They are a newish child placing agency with a heart to make adoption something that’s financially doable for anyone without “breaking the bank”. Their adoptions range from around $11k-$20k while still providing amazing support to their birth moms. I have hope knowing agencies like Quiver Full exist. Maybe we won’t have to wait so long after all.
To find out more about Quiver Full’s services head to their website http://www.quiverfulladoptions.com/ and be sure to follow them on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/qfadoptions/.
abby m.I relate to this in so many ways as we are still waiting (after years upon years) for our first child. It feels like we’ve tried everything and I’m just tired. It’s hard to see all the happy stories over and again when I have so many days where I’m not o.k. Even so, trying to daily choose to be grateful and trust God’s plan even when it’s not what I was hoping for.