Give the room a smile if you’ve ever gone through trauma. I bet every single person reading this tried to smile, maybe smiled, but most likely a traumatic event popped into your head. You are not alone. We have all gone through some type of trauma in our life starting all the way back to when we were in our mom’s womb. We may not even acknowledge that, I know I didn’t. I used to think that I was the way I was, and that was that. I never thought about how past events shaped me until I was an adult. I used to wonder what was wrong with me, why couldn’t I just get over it, especially after I placed my son for adoption at age 21. I wondered all the time when I would be whole again, but never once thought to work through that trauma. I never once thought to work through the trauma of my childhood, it just was what it was. I learned through a great support system, and some therapy, that it is not just what it is. It takes work to overcome trauma. It takes time and investment in ourselves. Trauma is not something that just goes away on its own. It’s not.
Over the last couple of years, I put together a method, a roadmap, to work through my trauma. It has helped me overcome childhood trauma, post-placement trauma and I know will help me work through any grief in years to come, and perhaps it could help you too.
- Acknowledge the trauma exists
This is the hardest step in my eyes. It forces you to go back to painful times in your life that you really do not want to relive. It requires you to have conversations with others about the trauma you may not even remember. I spoke with my mother this weekend about what (if any) trauma may have occurred when I was in her belly. She told me an extremely traumatic story that I do not remember, but my body and brain might. The trauma is there. When looking back when I placed my son, there is so much trauma I uncovered when really acknowledging that it happened. I spent years just trying to forget, rather than saying this happened, now I need to heal. I had to remind myself that I made this choice because at the time it was the best choice to make with the information I had at the time. I did not see it like that before. I saw it as something to hide deep within and just get over it. Can you believe that? The most traumatic experience of my life, I just wanted to “get over it”. It seems crazy to think about now. So, first, acknowledge the trauma that happened.
2. Talk about the trauma
This is a pretty hard step, too. We are told as children to not talk about our problems. Society says “keep it to yourself”. (Although this is changing, thank God!) Especially when you are talking about birthmother trauma. That is exactly what I did. I hid my story and I didn’t talk about it. I kept it to myself. I look back now and I imagine all that I could have saved myself from if I just spoke up and said “I’m not okay. Help me”. Just once.
I remember the moment I came out to the world that I was a birthmother, almost 3 years after my son was born. It felt freeing. I felt like the weight of the world came off my shoulders. I wanted to talk but didn’t feel safe in doing so because of what I had been conditioned to believe: keep it to yourself. But I am here to tell you: Don’t keep it to yourself. Talk about your trauma. Talk about your pain. This is the only way to heal. You have to talk about it. You don’t have to talk about it to the world on social media, but find a friend, family, therapist, anyway and get it out. Get out every last bit of pain, doubt, all of it.
3. Work through the trauma
Once you have acknowledged it exists, you’ve begun talking about it, it’s time to work through it. How do you do this? It’s different for everyone, but for me, it was looking back at my life and making a list of the traumas I had gone through. My therapist suggested I do this, and it helped. I started at the beginning and have continued to build on it. I added working out to my weekly routines, massages, and support conversations. I told myself that every decision we make we are doing the best we can with the information at the time. If I judged my choice to place my son with where I am at now in life, I would hate myself. This is not who I was 7 years ago. I was a woman in crisis and wanted the best life for my son. Today, I am ready but then I was not. My child deserves someone who was ready and able to give him a great life. Coming to that realization is powerful. It gives you the power to move forward. You did the best you could with the given information at the time. That is the most powerful statement you can make to yourself when working through your trauma. I found that working out as an outlet to get the trauma out was very helpful for me – and might be for you too. Stretch, get a massage, anything to get the trauma out of your body in a healthy way.
4. Words of affirmation and gratitude
The final step, the lifelong step. Give yourself grace. Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself all the things you’ve always needed to hear. I tell myself every day: I am powerful. I am proud of you. I am kind. I am intelligent. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am a great mom. I deserve happiness. Happiness is my choice. I am grateful for waking up. I am grateful for my son. I am grateful for my home. I am grateful for my friends and family. I am grateful to be breathing. I am grateful to be living. Every day I wake up and show gratitude. I spent a year telling myself these things. I did not believe them at first. I had to trick myself into happiness. I had to trick my mind into believing these things were true. One day I woke up and I believed it. I believed these things to be true. They were true. They are true. I didn’t cry when I woke up, I was happy. I was happy to be alive and to love myself again. It worked. It can work.
Here is my advice to you, find a traumatic moment in your life and go through these steps 1 by 1. Do not skip a step or jump around, just try it. What do you have to lose? If you could heal yourself from even one bit of trauma, would you put in the work? I think you would. These steps changed my life. They gave me my life again. I know they can do the same for you. We are in this together. You got this!
All the things, all the time –
Hope Baker
After placing her newborn son for adoption 2013, Hope struggled with depression, addiction, and overcoming the stigma that surrounds birth moms. In her first book, Finding Hope: A birthmother’s Journey into the Light, she shares her story of a successful, open adoption – and all the heartache and light that came along the way. You can find her online at HopeOBaker.com or on Instagram here.
