See, I don’t think you will ever lose the title of mom.
When my mom died when I was 16 years old, I lost the person I called mom. A very unnatural habit to lose and difficult road to continue to travel down.
I talk to many fellow adoptive parents who admit to struggling with how to refer to their child’s birth parents… first mom, real mom, birth mom, tummy mom, or “Mama K”.
I have no fear referring to my daughters birth mom as her Mom because she is in fact her mom. Signing relinquishments after 72 hours did not remove her “mom” label. Although I have been the one raising her, it does not mean she isn’t also still her mom. We are both responsible for crucial components of what makes up our daughter. My late nights were full of feedings and growth spurts soothing; her late nights were heartburn and continuous fetal movements. We together are still her mom.
I will not strip that away.
When I connected with my birth mom nine months ago, she seemed guarded and hesitant when it came to certain topics and emotions because she didn’t want to cross boundaries, step on toes, or take the title away from the women who raised me. Certain labels, feelings, words of affirmations were hard to discuss and disclose because she didn’t want to disrespect my mother and the relationship I had with her – Understandably so these thoughts and feelings were strong for her even though my mom is no longer living. And although I understood – her holding back left me confused and even had me feeling unsure of our reunion. Her holding her motherly feelings back made me feel like she wasn’t interested or okay with me popping up in her life. I am very aware that for the past 34 years she may not have even considered herself a mother or even been recognized as a mother so I started to reassure her that she is allowed to tell me she loves me. She is allowed to call me her daughter. As well as I am allowed to call her my mom. Honestly, it has taken me some time as well to refer to her as “mom”, but for a different reason- I haven’t had the opportunity to call someone mom for 19 years and that alone gets some taking used to!
She cannot strip that away from my mom.
The importance of my encouragement to her is not to undo or redo or fix the past years of my placement but to allow us to not miss out on one another any longer. I am confident in the relationship I had with my mom and no one can take that away or interfere. No one can ever take the place of the woman that raised me, and honestly, no one can take the place of the woman that gave me life. I am confident in the relationship I had with my mom, and that will never change. And I am just as hopeful in the relationship that
You are
