Many years ago my boss at the time asked me what my “Words on the Wall” were. He went on to explain that your words on the wall are your non-negotiables. The items that no matter what, you stand firm on. These words are supposed to be the foundation for your life, your family, and if you’re lucky, your work.
If I am honest, since that time, my own personal “Words on the Wall” seem to be written on a dry erase board. I formulate words that fit my current situation to justify my actions or a direction I want to take. My words are adjusted based on desperation and crisis. Infertility changed those words for me, loss changed those words for me and adoption made me erase the board completely.
While I would like to pat myself on the back and tell each of you that my “Words on the Wall” were steadfast during our adoption journey, it would be an utter complete lie. If I am honest, during that time, my words on the wall were simple. It was Motherhood. It was a baby.
I had somehow convinced myself that through my horrible journey God somehow owed me motherhood. That my good deeds and works would somehow make my grief and trauma reconcile. After all, isn’t there a scripture that says “Save the Orphans”? I had a savior complex larger than the state of Texas. That was only fed by people telling me what a “hero” I was for adopting. I was no hero though. I was only a product of my words on the wall at that time.
Motherhood.
Baby.
Bob Goff says “ The real game of bigger and better is not about money or possessions or even our hopes. It’s about pride.” Pride, add that word to my “Words on my Wall”. It had consumed me. It had taken over for grief. It has blinded me to grace.
It also blinds many people in this community.
Friends, we are not owed parenthood. No matter how you want to try and frame that up, nothing is owed to us. Many of us, most of us, have traveled roads paved in pain, tears, anger, fear, and desperation. What I have learned in these seven years is that this process is not about me.
That put me on a path to change my “Words on my Wall”. I erased Motherhood. I erased baby. I simply added humility. Humility means that I can stop making it about myself. Better yet, I can stop even thinking about what “I” need. Humility is simply saying, I am here to serve. I am stepping in this gap. I am stepping in no matter the outcome, no matter the heartbreak, no matter the judgment. I am here simply to serve. That simple shift in my own narrative changed my relationship with adoption. It changed my words, it changed my relationships, it changed my ego and it changed my heart. It changed my focus from one that was solely zoned in on what I was gaining. It allowed me to see that someone else had to lose to make that happen.
I tell people often that open adoption for me is like the Wizard of Oz scene where they meet the wizard and the curtain was pulled back. Yep, that was me the entire first year. Pulling back what I thought it was and embracing what it is. Pulling back my ego and that my son was MINE and embracing the fact that he is OURS. I began to think before I posted on social media. I thought before I told stories that were not mine to share. In that process, I began to add new words to my wall. Words that were not caught up in gaining, achieving or proving. Ones that were caught up in listening, educating, and understanding.
Humility.
Grace.
Empathy.
We all change in this process of adoption. We all justify our actions to escape pain and fear. However, if we want true evolution, we must take an honest look at ourselves and be willing to erase the words that have served us in the past. This allows ourselves the ability to rewrite words that will allow us to lay a firm foundation for ourselves and our families. These words will remove shame. These words will leave space for grace and humility. These words will transform our community.
It is never too late to rewrite your words on the wall.
Xoxo
Jenni
Jenni and her husband, Dwayne are parents to their amazing son, Dean, who joined their family through domestic infant adoption. Jenni is currently a graduate student pursuing her master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She serves as an adoption educator with Lifetime Healing and loves to write about her journey through open adoption, motherhood, and infertility. Jenni and her family live in beautiful Orange Beach, Alabama where she serves as the Executive Director of MAAAC, which raises funds for the local Middle and High School. In her spare time, her days are filled with jeep drives, dance parties in the kitchen, fishing, yoga and reading her favorite books on the beach.
