When we signed up to become adoptive parents and were chosen by Brooklyn’s birth mom, there was no concrete, contractual obligation for this adoption to be open or closed; it was always left open ended with contact to be determined between families. Things happened very quickly from the time we were chosen, birth of our daughter, then discharge and for further personal reasons, nothing was officially determined.
Through the agency, I was consistent with sending updates of letters and pictures every 3 months for the first two years with extra goodies for holidays and to celebrate her mama’s birthday from afar. Updates have always one sided. I ended up slowing down (but never stopping) because all of our letters and pictures were being sent back to the agency due to an unavailable address.
For me, even as an adoptee, this form of openness was feasible four years ago, especially because I am a product of a closed adoption with no updates. But as I currently navigate my own adoption reunion and am experiencing so much growth due to the inner growth work I am doing for myself. Our ambiguous place in this adoption started to feel like a place of more loss, more trauma and unfairness.
Thinking back to all the questions, I wondered as a child through adolescents and continuing into adulthood about my birth parents were beginning to sit heavier on my chest. There many reasons plus the push of my own self awareness as an adult adoptee to be proactive in our daughters adoption. Our daughter is getting older! I want her understanding of what adoption means to be a clearer picture than it was for me. Another reason being, the community has evolved to where open adoptions are more prominent. I want to give her a clear picture of what adoption is, provide the tools that I have learned to properly navigate her through her story so I need to continue to make these steps forward for her. Lastly, I want to be sure I continue to do my due diligence whenever I am able to. I have the necessary information to send the updates, make the effort in hopes that doors begin to open for them.
Another set of pictures, another letter sharing details of our daughter, another prayer is sent off with the package. To our major surprise and excitement, we got our own update! For the first time ever, Brooklyn received a handful of pictures with a lengthy letter!
As an adoptee and one who has suffered from traumatic parental loss, seeing handwriting has been one of the most treasured items. Having her Mama’s handwriting on paper is something Brooklyn can now forever treasure. She has details in her lead-based script that may answer some of the questions she has growing up; the answers that at her age and longer I wish I had. She can refer to it as many times as her heart feels. She can hear a voice through the string of words that shed light as to why the placement occurred. She has biological faces that she can look into as she gets older. The ability to recognize traits and compare features that most adoptees are forever foreign to.
As an adoptive parent, I now have a better understanding of what life has been like for our daughters mom. The time she has needed, the obstacles she has overcome, the joy our updates bring and validation that not giving up on these updates– contact or not; contract or not, were worth every word, every printed picture, every prayer.
I have no idea how this is going to transpire; no idea where this will lead her but she, our daughter, has confirmation that she is loved by us, her siblings; right along with her first mama.
Prospective adoptive parents, current adoptive parents, parents who are just dipping your toes in adoption; don’t give up.
Don’t give up on contact.
Don’t give up on connections.
Don’t settle for the bare minimum of your contract.
Just please, don’t give up on updates or hope for an open adoption.
You wouldn’t want to give up on your child, right?
So don’t give up on your child’s biological families either.
WRITTEN BY KIRA MCSHERRY: Kira currently lives in the hot desert with her husband + two children. She is a an advocate for the adoption triad as both an adoptee and adoptive mom. Photography is her addiction and writing is her therapy.
