Today I am tired.
Today I am sad.
Today I am overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by the weight of every birth mother whose life is not seen as worthy.
By every adoptee whose story and past is not cherished.
Too many times I’ve heard about broken promises. Lies. Deceit.
My sisters are promised yearly visits and pictures. Promised family outings. Promised to be involved in the child’s life. But sometimes, without warning or conflict, those promises are retracted.
Weren’t we all taught from a young age to not break promises? What changed?
We all know boundaries are crucial to any healthy relationship and in some instances limiting contact is of the child’s best interest but that’s not what I’m discussing here.
Don’t make promises you will not follow through on. Do not agree to something that has been presented if there is any doubt you will be able to follow through.
It is your responsibility to make these expectations a priority. To make birth mothers a priority. Don’t agree just to figure it out later. Do not lead astray.
Too many times I’ve had to comfort those who are lost, confused, disappointed. Heartbroken.
One too many times.
When will it end? When will birth mothers and adoptees receive what is rightfully theirs?
The truth.
The truth about intentions. The truth about who they are.
Why is that too much to ask? Why are we too much, I ask?
You say you do it to protect the child, but we all know it’s to protect what you mistaken for security. Your pride. Your insecurities.
Do you not think we have those too? We have to own up to our shortcomings daily. Everyday we are reminded of how we have failed. How we were unable to care for our children.
While we are thankful you can provide our souls with what we could not, it does not make us any less. You are everything we wish we could be. Don’t use that against us.
Do not judge us, for you are seeing us at our worst. If we weren’t at our worst, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
We want this to work. We want our children to thrive. We want the same thing you do. Let that be the driving force behind every decision.
Today I am worried.
Today I am burnt out.
Burnt out from feeling the need to be strong. For I know if I show any weakness, it must mean I am unstable.
Unstable and unfit. Unfit for contact, unfit for our children. Unfit and undeserving. Undeserving of empathy.
Today I fight.
Not for me, but for those who have gone before me and those who will go after.
I fight for my life and my sister’s lives. For adoptee lives. Lives that are so easily disregarded.
We are here to stay. You cannot just toss us away or pretend we do not exist. We exist in the very being that is your child. To deny us would be to deny parts of them.
Today I am patient.
Though today I am tired.
Tired of watching my sisters crumble. Tired of watching promises being broken under the guise of love.
Because love is supposed to be patient. Love is supposed to be kind. But today it does not seem like that.
We hold tight to those promises, for it’s all we have. I ask you to reflect on your motives for cutting us out. I ask you to dig deep and imagine how you’d feel if you were on the receiving end of these broken promises.
How’d it feel to have no chance to prove you wrong. How’d it feel to be left with a tarnished reputation and empty arms.
Today I am hopeful.
Hopeful that change is coming.
So today I will try again. And I hope you will too.
WRITTEN BY JESSIE MATTOS: Jessie is a birthmom from Orlando, Florida, who has a passion for people, really good chicken wings, and will be the first to tell you if you have something in your teeth (in the nicest way possible!). She’s married to her best friend, Gabe, and is a stay at home mom to Gabriel and Micah. She is a University of Florida alumna and has been known to cut a rug or two. Jessie is the type of friend who will never leave your side and when she’s not spending time with her family, she loves to explore her hometown and immerse herself in the flavors of the city. Although she’s been a birth mom for eight years, Jessie has recently found her voice and her “people” within the adoption community and hopes to use this platform to remind others
