Time is this funny thing. Life swirls around us like the snow in a snowglobe, falling in all sorts of forms. Season of being a parent involves diapers, spills and messes, others times full of identity building, teenage conversations, and carpool. But there is more. As a parent myself, I often wish I could shake the snowglobe and have all the pieces fall and see my little family in the future.
But that is not the way it all works, and thankfully, my sweet partner is quick to remind me to enjoy the present. While I cherish my beautiful life, I am simultaneously watching some of the most complex parts of my identity be relieved. Being an adult adoptee and raising a fleet of adoptees is like walking in one of those mirror museums at the fair, seeing yourself but not. Thankfully, I am learning to look myself straight in those mirrors, speaking love to the fear and trust to the pieces being tied together.
One of those big pieces is my relationship with my parents, as an adult. Do you ever wonder how it will all play out? Or are you ever watching NBC’s #1 drama, “This is Us” and have extra tears when Randall dialogues with Rebecca? Oh, phew me too. But the reality of it all, our children are going to be adults and we are doing the work to lay the foundation for them, now.
One of the biggest things my parents did for me was dialogue. Adoption was always an open and encouraged conversation. There was always room for the many different stages of my journey. My parents were never competing with my birth parents, they were eager to celebrate all of who they are and all that they gave me. Trying their best to shield me from the grief and pain, all the while never shying away from empathising with my heart or answering my 100 questions.
This now, lends itself to look like an eagerness to share with them any new thing, I learn about adoption. Or having redemptive conversations around the many things, we did not know during my childhood. I know it was their open approach which produced the positive relationship, we are still growing in. Their love and empathy have laid a legacy in our family.
With all the beauty and breeze, our snow still does not always lay perfectly. And thirty years later, my parents are still working hard at being parents. It’s seen in the harder conversations around my story with its many holes and our shared heartache. Together, thirty plus years later, we grieve the many things, we did not have control over and the unknown. I see them supporting me through apologizing and still being eager to keep learning. And it’s in their richness, they allow to be theirs. I admire and stand in the confidence they have as people, they know it was not perfect but we are sure they loved hard.
All of this swirls around in my globe, and as the pieces of my own family are falling, I cannot be more thankful. I know this is NOT the reality for all adoptees or adoptive families. The stories can look so different. There are kids that do not attach or are not running on the treadmill like Randall at age 40, but suffering. But wherever your family may be today, try your best to parent with the longview in sight. Thirty something years later, your kids story will still becoming and adoption will always be a theme. Be confident in your love for them and even amidst the many battles you will face, you will always be a pillar in their globe.
Brandi is a transracial adoptee, adoptive mama, foster mama, you know just a mama… Brandi lives on the North Shore of Boston. She loves LOVE, people and strong coffee. She feels the weight of balancing many hats with her partner in crime and true love, Daniel. The two of them own a business together and relish filling their days capturing love behind their lens in all different settings. They also have three incredible kids, the first of whom came to them via adoption. She’s their passionate, bright, and spicy Latina daughter. Her story has brought so much healing for Brandi, not to mention this daughter’s amazing birth-parents, making their “extended” family quite the tribe. Their second child, a son, is currently Brandi’s only-known blood relative and his joyful, and charming ways are making it easy for Brandi to love her Korean heritage. And most recently added their foster-son “honeybear”, a full and mighty personality in a tiny brave body. Brandi is excited to share from her many crossing roles in the adoption triad and believes as the many stories of this blog wash over each other, we are growing stronger. You can find Brandi and what all her “Tribe” is up to at www.ebersoletribe.com along with on Instagram @ebersoletribe .
