I knew when my parents came to town recently they would have toys and treats in tow for our son. My son knew, too, he’s only 3 but he knows he can expect to be spoiled upon their arrival. My mom pulled out a toy and I wanted to cry when she opened it and told him, “Sheppy, I want you to know I picked this particular set out because they [the lego men] look just like you!”
Talking about transracial adoption can induce a lot of fear and anxiety for families who are pursuing adoption. I mean, shoot, I’m nervous just typing this. And as I sit here, I am well aware that my perspective is one of many. An African American woman reached out to me recently and her words impacted my heart forever in the very best way. She said something along the lines of this, “I used to question whether a white family should or could raise an African American child…..I’ve grown in my thinking and now think that as long as the children receive unconditional love, acceptance of their heritage, and the opportunity to have people of color in their lives to lend support….then that’s all that’s important. If your child is happy and secure, then mission accomplished.” Love, acceptance, security, happiness. These are the best things we can give our children.
I can’t explain to you how those words have impacted my thinking. They spoke life right into my heart. My son’s biological mom had every right to refuse white parents for her child, and I wouldn’t have blamed her at all if that had been the case. But she chose us. And her reason for choosing us were these words that I’ll cherish forever, “I just know that you two will love him so well.”
When our family decided to adopt after the loss of our first two children, we talked about how we didn’t think we would be able to be the best parents to children with special medical needs. We thought it would take us back to our own grief and trauma and we questioned whether we’d have the emotional capacity to handle it at that point in time. And that’s the first thing. You have to decide, as a family, without guilt or shame, what you can handle. As a hopeful adoptive parent, you have to make the child the priority in these conversations. I questioned whether or not a complex medical situation would cause me to disengage emotionally to protect myself from post-traumatic stress. I’m not sure how that would have played out, and maybe I would have been fine. But what if I wasn’t? I didn’t have complete confidence in my ability to parent well in that situation, and that doesn’t feel good to admit. But I would have hated for a biological parent with a child in that situation to choose us over a family who might be better equipped.
Before a biological family even considers you, you have to think about the fact that the parents choosing a family want their child to grow up in the best situation for their child. Not for you. And so whether it be about special needs, prior abuse, race, age, whatever, the child’s needs come first.
If our extended family and our close friends and our support system had an inherent issue with transracial adoption, we would have taken the option off the table (and, let’s be real, found a new support system). It is not the job of a child to make a statement or teach a lesson about race to those around them. It is your job to protect and love and raise your child in a community that will love and support them unconditionally; whether or not they share your skin color. Transracial adoption can be a beautiful picture of how true love has no borders and no conditions and no restraints. But we do not choose to participate in transracial adoption for this reason.
I won’t pretend like I still don’t worry about if I’m doing everything right or not, I totally do. That’s why the woman’s words above brought so much comfort to my heart. I don’t know that any of us as parents ever feel totally confident that we’re doing all of this right. This feeling is universal across all forms of parenthood. Transracial adoption just adds an extra layer to navigate. Education, engagement, asking questions: these all have helped me to grow in confidence. But seeing my son fully loved, happy, and secure, it’s a monumental sign of success that should never be overlooked. It simply has to be held in tension with the pursuit of doing everything in my power to ensure that the community we keep, the toys we buy, the books we read, the shows we watch, and the things we discuss are in line with creating the best support system possible.
