How does a birth mom answer the question, “How many children do you have?”
For a birth mom, that can be such a personal question. An even triggering question. Do we calculate the child/children we placed? If we do, we better be prepared to answer unwanted questions. If we don’t, we might feel guilty for not including them in order to avoid a potentially awkward situation. Anyone who has experienced infant loss in any way knows it’s a simple question with a not-so-simple answer.
There was a point in my life when I wasn’t comfortable talking about my first pregnancy and ultimately the placement of my birth daughter. When I was pregnant for the second time with my son whom I parent, many people asked if my son was my first. When I answered, “Yes” it would always be followed with pregnancy and labor and delivery advice. Things I had already experienced. I’d always just sit and nod my head, pretending I didn’t already know those things, wishing I could join the conversation and swap stories.
On occasion, depending on the person or situation, I’d answer that he was my second child mostly to avoid more pregnancy advice. But then that opened up the conversation for questions like, “Oh, what do you have at home?”, or “Is she excited to have a little brother?”. More uncomfortable questions. More uncomfortable answers.
When I was pregnant for the third time with my second son, I felt more comfortable answering those questions because at least I had another son at home to show for. I could talk about my previous pregnancy and labor and delivery experience. It felt good to finally share stories and find common ground with other moms.
As the confidence in my adoption story grows, the more open I’ve become when faced with the dreaded “How many children do you have” question. I tell people I have three. It doesn’t feel right to not include my birth daughter into the equation. That information I used to only share with those who knew me. Strangers or acquaintances were not privy to that information. I’m much more willing to risk my reputation and people’s perception of me by answering truthfully. In my experience, it’s much more work in the long run to not answer it that way.
I gave brith to my second son, my third child, in February and had to answer that question to every nurse and doctor that came into my labor and delivery and recovery room. For medical purposes I have to tell them I’ve have three full term pregnancies. I never divulged more than that unless I felt it was necessary. One nurse asked what I had at home and not knowing I had placed my birth daughter, she then asked my husband if she was a daddy’s girl, of which I then had to explain the situation. It was obvious she felt embarrassed for asking.
I’m more prepared now to answer questions regarding my adoption when faced with that question but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still awkward for me. I never take offense to those questions and I don’t expect people to not ask because who doesn’t love talking about their children, but it can be emotionally taxing doing so when it’s not on my time.
I’m not sure what the solution would be, or that there even is a solution. I just think it’s important we are conscious of the questions we are asking and that we are prepared for some hard topics to be brought up. As adoption becomes more common and birth moms start to come out of the woodworks, I think we are going to find ourselves having more of these types of conversations.
How would I have known that answering such a presumably simple question would carry so much weight? It’s just another facet of being a birth mom that I didn’t know would be something I’d have to navigate. Another chapter to the birth mom guidebook, if one existed.
WRITTEN BY JESSIE MATTOS
Jessie is a birthmom from Orlando, Florida, who has a passion for people, really good chicken wings, and will be the first to tell you if you have something in your teeth (in the nicest way possible!). She’s married to her best friend, Gabe, and is a stay at home mom to Gabriel and Micah. She is a University of Florida alumna and has been known to cut a rug or two. Jessie is the type of friend who will never leave your side and when she’s not spending time with her family, she loves to explore her hometown and immerse herself in the flavors of the city. Although she’s been a birth mom for eight years, Jessie has recently found her voice and her “people” within the adoption community and hopes to use this platform to remind others that they are not alone.
