My husband, Gabriel, and I have known each other for fifteen plus years. He was friends with my two older sisters and our families were friends. When I got pregnant at 19 he was one of the few people who knew about my pregnancy and my adoption. Although I was the younger sister, he was always kind and kept an eye on me during my pregnancy but things were never romantic between us until we reconnected at a close friend’s wedding in 2015. We then got married on February 25th, 2017 and got pregnant two weeks later.
I wish I could say I was excited, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
The moment that pregnancy test came back positive, I felt an all too familiar sinking feeling in my stomach. I went right back to the day I found out I was pregnant with my birth daughter, six years prior. All the emotions flooded back in and my first reaction was fear. I was crying and trying to regulate my breathing while my husband guided me to the bed to sit down. We didn’t plan on getting pregnant so soon and wanted to wait a few years before starting our family. We hadn’t even gone on our honeymoon yet. I naturally wanted to be pregnant on my own terms, but once again, I was faced with an unplanned pregnancy.
I was not prepared for how I would feel getting pregnant again six years post-placement. No one told me that I’d relive some of the unresolved trauma from my previous pregnancy. No one warned me that it would likely be hard. But why would they? How is anyone to know? Each situation is different. Gabriel was very understanding and sensitive to what I was experiencing but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t difficult on both of us. We were newlyweds, supposed to be having the time of our lives. Instead, I was becoming increasingly closed off and my depression had reared its ugly head again.
During my first pregnancy with my birth daughter, I emotionally detached to protect myself from further harm. Despite knowing this about myself, I couldn’t help but do it again during my second pregnancy with my son. That increased my fears and anxiety and I wondered if there was something inherently wrong with me. I was embarrassed to share what I was feeling with other people because I didn’t want to come off as ungrateful and that furthered my self-induced isolation.
Birth moms are told over and over that we are strong and brave. And while that is certainly the case, that truth can also cause us to set unrealistic expectations. As a birth mom, I take a lot of pride in my ability to adapt and persevere so I expected more from myself. I was angry that I wasn’t excited about being pregnant and I found myself becoming envious of women who were excited about their own pregnancies. I wanted so badly to experience that and instead of beating myself up over it I should give myself more grace. More grace to feel the feels, to talk openly about my insecurities. More grace to process just how triggering pregnancy was for me. It is clear now that I had a lot of healing left to do.
At one point, I reached out to a few fellow birth moms to inquire if any of them had felt the same way when they got pregnant post-placement and to my surprise, I wasn’t alone. It actually seemed to be a trend. The shame and guilt we carried from our previous pregnancy affected our ability to find joy during the pregnancies that followed. I will say though, that parenting my son has allowed me to have a much deeper appreciation and love for my birth daughter and for her parents and for that I am forever grateful.
Being pregnant again with our second son, things are much different now. I’m much easier on myself and working through the emotions rather than suppressing them. Although, I did still ask Gabriel if he was mad at me when that pregnancy test came back positive. I laugh at myself now, but my first reaction was that I had done something wrong. It’s funny what the brain does and how difficult it can be to rewire it once it experienced something as deep as teen pregnancy and adoption. It requires constant self-evaluation. Every emotion, decision, or thought feels tied into this multilayered web. You’ve got to take your time untangling yourself because if you rush, you’ll only entangle yourself further.
It’s easy to become frustrated when going through a tough season, especially when things seem to be going well leading up to that point. What’s been crucial to my healing is communicating efficiently and not becoming impatient or defeated when my recovery doesn’t go as planned. I can only hope that by sharing my experiences, I can help at least one other birth mom process her own experience. There is no guide book on what to expect when you’re expecting post-placement, but maybe together we can figure this thing out.
Jessie Mattos is a birth mom from Orlando, Florida, who has a passion for people, really good chicken wings, and will be the first to tell you if you have something in your teeth (in the nicest way possible!). She’s married to her best friend, Gabe, and is a stay at home mom to Gabriel. She is a University of Florida alumna and has been known to cut a rug or two. Jessie is the type of friend who will never leave your side and when she’s not spending time with her family, she loves to explore her hometown and immerse herself in the flavors of the city. Although she’s been a birth mom for eight years, Jessie has recently found her voice and her “people” within the adoption community and hopes to use this platform to remind others that they are not alone.
