A few months ago, neither one of us knew the other existed. Our families each living their lives, separated by only a few states, but certainly highly unlikely to ever cross paths. And yet here we stand today, a mere few months later, our lives intertwined in such a way that it feels like this was always how it was meant to be.
I remember sitting with my husband at the first meeting with our social worker, discussing our desire for an open adoption. She nodded encouragingly and was quick to recommend books that may be helpful to have on our journey. Being the overachiever that I am, I jotted them all down as fast as they rolled off her tongue, all the while nodding in agreement at everything she is said.
‘You may want to have some photos in the nursery of the birth family too.’
As she closed the front door at the end of our visit, Jeremy and I both looked at each other. ‘Photos in the nursery?’ I said.
‘Yeah,’ he replied. ‘I just don’t think that’s a good idea.’
‘Agreed.’ I said.
And it was settled. Until it wasn’t.
When we matched with an expectant mama back in November, we felt drawn to her as soon as we saw her profile and knew that we wanted to present our profile to her. Her case was perhaps one of the cases with the least amount of details given, it was all contained in about a one page synopsis but the second we read it, Jeremy called me and said, ‘We have to present our profile.’ And we knew that whether she moved forward with us with an adoption plan or chose to parent, we wanted to walk alongside her in any way we could, for any length of time she allowed.
We had several phone calls with the expectant mama before she chose us, each one causing us to feel more deeply connected to her and her family. I remember telling her during one such phone call, ‘It is not our goal to just ‘get a baby’ it is our goal to love an entire family and have our lives join together.’
We knew from reading her case that she wanted an open adoption – yearly visits, updates, milestones. All of these things were so meaningful to us too. I remember discussing that we were pursuing open adoption with friends and family and their response would vary from ‘Wow – that’s super scary’ to ‘Wow- you are so brave.’ Let me assure you of a few things. It is not scary to love another person. Let me also assure you that in this entire equation, the thing that we least are is brave. Please reserve that title for the woman who is carrying a child, providing for her family, working to take care of them, and formulating an adoption plan out of the selfless and abundant love she has in her heart for her child. We are unworthy of such a title but she is the most deserving.
When we visited face-to-face with this beautiful family, it was like we were spending time with old friends. Our children played comfortably together, we all shared the food we had packed on our picnic and three hours flew by in a beautiful blur. When we left that day, and every day since my heart has missed this family. This full of love and laughter and every good gift you could ever hope to instill into a child family.
Let us never forget when we are pursuing adoption that this is her child first. The thought of trying to keep them from the very person that brought them into this world seems like the most unnatural thing I could ever imagine. Open adoption doesn’t mean less love for the adoptive family. It means more love for the child.
I am afraid we often miss some of the biggest blessings that life has to offer out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear that we are unworthy, fear that things won’t work out. But love is never finite and I believe it multiplies exponentially. The more you have, the more there is. I don’t know about you but I live in a world where I will hold on tightly to any love that finds me and fight like heck to never let it go. Oh- and we made sure to take lots of pictures during our visit to fill all the empty frames in the nursery.
By Justine Hundley
Justine is a stay at home mom who lives in NC. She and her husband Jeremy have been married for 11 years and have a seven year old son named Cannon. They are matched with an expectant mama due in April and Justine’s passion for ethical adoption was ignited during their adoption journey. It is her primary goal to navigate their family’s own open adoption journey with love and compassion for all sides of the triad and she hopes that by sharing their story, others are inspired to do the same.
MaryThank you Justine, I loved reading this post.