“How will I know when I am ready to open up the search for my birth parents?” I began asking myself this question about the time I turned 18. I was lovingly placed in a closed adoption at birth, with two wonderful adoptive parents that have been immensely supportive and encouraging the opportunity for reunification when I was ready. They wanted me to have that familial connection and an opportunity know my biological roots.
“You will be ready when you can go in with NO expectations.” This was advice I received from another adoptee who had recently gone through reunification with her birth mother. She told me that the most challenging part was the let down of her expectations.
I spent several months at the end of graduate school on the phone with the adoption agency talking through reunification and what the process looks like. I carried around the signed paperwork for weeks, praying about the process and preparing myself for any potential outcome. I read the handwritten letters sent to my parents from my birth mother over and over, tears welling up in eyes at her selfless love and aching heart. I knew very little about them, but what I did know was that they made an incredibly difficult decision out of love.
Reunification can take months, it can take years, and there may not be a beautiful outcome. Life may have led my birth parents down a hard path. One or both may have passed away. They may not be in a place where contact is possible or an option for them. These were all scenarios I had to consider as I waited for a return phone call with news of the search progress.
After several months of searching, the agency was able to locate my birth mother. When they reached her at work, she said “Is this the phone call I’ve been waiting for?!” My beautiful birth mother had spent the past 25 years praying that this time would come.
Shortly after, my birth father was also contacted. He had updated his information on my 18th birthday, an incredibly touching testament to his love and remembrance of this day.
We spent several years sending letters, texts, and emails back and forth. We exchanged pictures and I received family recipes and learned about traditions and the meaningful relationships in both their lives. Last year, my husband and I joyfully welcomed my birth father into our home for a visit, and several weeks later my birth mother arrived to meet us.
“Don’t you have any questions for me?” my birth father asked during his visit.
“No. I know you made this decision out of love, and that’s all I need to know.” I responded.
As time as progressed and more visits have occurred, we’ve gotten to know each other and are building a trusting relationship. My parents came with me to meet my birth mother for the first time earlier this summer, a moment full of emotion and thankfulness for the roles they played in each other’s life. We share joys and sorrows and news of family events. Future visits are in the works, as well as meeting more extended family.
I’m so thankful to be in reunification with both my birth families. The fears, worries, and apprehension have fallen away. I am so grateful to have been able to hug them and thank them for giving me the gift of life and making a courageous, selfless decision to make my adoption plan. As a birth mother myself, I worried so much about the pain my own birth mother carried in her heart. I feared that my birth father may have shouldered grief and remorse. They carried their own fears, as well. They spent many years yearning for reunification when I was old enough, and worried about me like any parent does.
Reunification has been an immense blessing for all of us in the adoption triad. As I read about adoption reunification, I’m beyond thankful for the opportunity to build our relationships and have the answers and reassurance that we searched for over many years-with not one, but BOTH of my birth parents and their families.
