We talk openly about adoption with our 4 year old son and have done so since he was very little. Walking through the adoption of his little sister has helped him grasp the concept of it all better than I could have imagined. He asks simple and pointed questions about adoption and about his sister’s birth family, who he remembers because he was able to meet them, and now he sees them on facetime weekly. The more he experiences this, the more my stomach ties into a knot as I imagine how I’ll continue to navigate her open adoption and his closed adoption simultaneously as they grow.
I keep pictures of his birth mother close by for the times that I can see his mind wandering about his own adoption. He speaks freely of adoption and frequently lists the friends of ours, children and adults alike, who are also adoptees. As a
In reality, I wish I could give a list of practical and professional advice on how to balance an open adoption in one hand and a closed adoption in another. And to be completely honest, what has made this more complex for me is that we are friends with multiple adult adoptees who all have completely different stories, experiences, and feelings about their adoptions, some of which are closed and some of which are open. Some with open adoptions that they didn’t want. Some with closed adoptions they were thankful for. Some with open adoptions they love. Some with closed adoptions that hurt. Digesting all of these stories has been so helpful for me, but none of it can answer my own questions and none of it relieves my uncertainty of the future for my children.
Continuing to immerse myself in adoption education is helpful, but I continue to realize that we’re all completely different human beings who experience life so differently depending on every factor imaginable. From personality to upbringing to genetics to gender, nothing is guaranteed. Even my biological siblings and I could recount our experiences growing up under the same roof together with the same biological parents and our experiences are going to be vastly different from each other.
So what is it then? Where does the wisdom lie and what is the formula for making it all okay? I don’t feel qualified in any sense to carry the weight of such delicate stories, but when my mind begins to swirl I find myself coming back to one thought; It will do my children no good to hold this all with fear.
With fear as a driving force, my focus shifts to my own staggering insecurities as an adoptive mother rather than showing up with unconditional love for my children, no matter how they respond to their stories. It is my job to love them the best that I can and it is my job to be a trustworthy and stable anchor as they mature into adults. What that means practically will shift and change as time goes on, but I feel encouraged by the empowerment that comes as a parent when I choose not to be driven by fear of the unknown.
DinaJordan, you always manage to stir my soul with your blogs. You are without a doubt the most perfect mother to traverse this journey with grace and love. The fact that you anticipate the bumps in the road, and your open and honest dialogue will make any of the potential bumps easier to address. You have surrounded your littles with an amazing, loving, supportive tribe, there is nothing you can’t do. Thank you for sharing yourself, you make me always strive to be a better person.
EmilyThis has been my heavy burden for my children! Some open and some closed and praying for wisdom how to have a foot in both. Thank you for bringing this up. There’s no formula. There’s no guide book just open hands and lots of listening, counsel and prayer.