I’ve been the Queen of Misunderstood long before I was ever a birth mother. I grew up as an adoptee in a closed adoption, so I really struggled with my identity. I didn’t really get why I was so rebellious back then, but a few years ago I began to unpack my story on a couch doing some EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing which is a therapy technique often used for trauma). I learned that even the most positive circumstances can still cause trauma. I lost a mother at birth and she lost me. My life has been as normal as it could be, and my parents are great. I was just a wild mustang that didn’t belong in a stable- something deeply rooted in me needed to sort itself out. Throughout the years, I put my worth in the hands of boys who didn’t deserve me, but I was too lost to know what healthy relationships looked like. It wasn’t long before I was pregnant. I grew up watching teen parenting glamorized on TV and being an adoptee only complicated my views, not to mention I was stubborn, immature, and defiant. I chose to parent even though I barely even took care of myself. Looking back, I tried my hardest in that season of life and the desire to be a mom was full-fledged. I just knew he deserved more. My parents graciously adopted my son when he was six months old and a few years later I was back to square one. Pregnant. With the knowledge of my previous experience, I knew I needed to make an intentional plan this time around. I chose to go through an agency and place my child for adoption. During my pregnancy, I was going to a counseling class that was part of the requirements for the dorm I was living in. I had the hardest time hearing about the stages of grief I was “bound to go through” after placing a child for adoption. I was so sure that I would never have a negative feeling because I knew the beauty of adoption- after all I was a product of it. I had no idea that I’d not only experience difficult emotions myself, but that I would also be negatively misunderstood for this “beautiful thing” I did for my children.
The fog of shame that smothers birth mothers is surprisingly still so prevalent. A lot of these stigmas that taint the world’s views of us come from a time when adoption was taboo. Now, while you might immediately think “well adoption is not seen as a taboo subject anymore, it’s celebrated!” you would still be seeing a tainted version of adoption. Adoption may not be taboo in most circumstances today, but it’s now taken a pedestal of glorification. When I have a conversation about adoption with people, it’s usually a one-sided view of the joy in completion of family. As an adoptee who has met my biological family and has spent a decade getting to know them, I agree 100% that adoption does bring joy and completion of family and I don’t want to diminish that. However, you cannot have the joy without honoring the loss. Many of the stigmas out there paint birth mothers as either a woman who was so strung out on drugs that the baby didn’t deserve to be her child anyway (there goes society putting expectations on women without providing resources for her to succeed again, but that’s a soapbox for a different day) or a woman who was young and quickly getting “rid” of her problem. I cannot even move forward without ripping those sentences apart. The choice that I made was hard and left me with pain I’ve never been able to absolve. I intentionally thought over what to do for months on end and when I came to my decision it took a lot of dying to self to do right by my child. Birth mothers are not just some villain in a storyline, they are human beings who love their child so deeply, it consumes them. Even after they part. Most birth mothers were normal pregnant women just trying to do the best with what they could. We love our children, and the truth is, we chose to live a lifetime of grief and challenges in hopes of something promising for our children. We are far from perfect and we know that there are so many complexities around adoption and many adoptees voices that need to be considered, but know we made this decision with no one else in mind but our child. What the birth mother community needs from the world, is to stop and listen. Hear our stories, open your minds past the rumors and whispers of scandal that you think you understand, and help us break these harmful stigmas leaving birth mothers so misunderstood. So how can you help magnify birth mother’s stories and help others see the reality of modern birth mothers and adoption? You can follow birth mothers on social media, you can support organizations that are focused on adoption reform and post-adoption support, listen to podcasts and videos of birth mothers sharing their stories, read articles and blog posts, and dispel any misinformed voices that you cross. We are resilient and our stories are impactful, but we need the adoption community and the public at large to fight what’s so misunderstood.
Written by Katie Reisor: Katie is an adoptee, and birth mom, who is passionate about adoption advocacy and breaking stigmas around birth parents. In her free time, she enjoys traveling and hanging out with her dog, Chloe. She also is a huge fan of true crime podcasts and sings wherever she goes.
