Loving and Learning Through a Disrupted Adoption

When you start the adoption process, you know logically that a disrupted match (when an expectant mother decides to parent after you are “matched”/she chooses you) is possible. But you don’t really think it’ll happen to you. 

And certainly not multiple. That happens to other people. It’s the rarest of cases. It won’t be your story.

When we started our adoption journey at the end of 2017, this was certainly my mindset. We had been through so much in the previous few years – infertility, surgeries, losing my mom and my husband’s dad within months of each other – that I just wanted to believe that something would finally go smoothly for us.

And at first it seemed to. We worked quickly through the paperwork and creating our profile (I’m an Enneagram 1, if that tells you anything) and just 6 weeks after becoming a waiting family, we received the call that we had been chosen.

A month later, 5 days before the due date, that mama chose to parent. 

We were crushed, but we had been chosen quickly the first time, so surely we would be chosen quickly again…right?

Almost a year passed before we received the next call. This time, we got to know the mama for a month and spent time with her in the hospital. We left the hospital with Baby Boy and a few days later, on the morning of signing, we got the call that she had decided to parent.

I placed that sweet boy back in his mama’s arms and we drove home with an empty car seat. 

Several months passed. We got the call again, and got to know both of the expectant parents for about 2 months before we got the call that sent us driving 14 hours through the night. The day after we met everyone, mama and dad again chose to parent.

If you’re keeping track, that’s 3 times. 

Remember how I had hoped that this whole adoption thing might go smoothly for us?

If you’re wondering, just 17 days after the third disruption – after driving back home yet again with an empty car seat to an empty nursery – we got a call that a mama was in labor just a couple of hours away from us. She and her fiance, the baby’s father, had chosen us. 

They continued to choose us. And now, every day we choose each other as we walk out our open adoption.

At the time, I didn’t know why we had to go through each disruption. Now, I know several things to be true.

With each disruption, we gained something valuable. With the first, I gained the realization that our home study education wasn’t cutting it, and started to dig into the adoption community on Instagram, eventually finding Ashley Mitchell, Kindred & Co, Adopt Well, and many others who have helped me learn how to walk this journey well.

With the second, I gained a lifelong friend and a beautiful godson. Yes, that’s right – that baby who I placed back in his mama’s arms is now my godson, and one of the great joys of my life. I cherish our relationship with him and his amazing mama. (You can learn more about this chapter of our journey on the Custom Made Kid podcast.)

With the third, we were forced to renew our home study early. Had we not done this, our paperwork would not have been renewed and ready to go when our daughter was born.

But more important than each of these things, I learned how to love expectant mamas. I learned how to see them for the wonderful, beautiful women they are, separate from the babies they are carrying. I learned how to lift them up and empower them to make the choice that is best for them and their baby, knowing they have my full support, even if that choice breaks my own heart along the way.

You see, when we walk this road ethically, we open ourselves up to more heartbreak. We increase the chances that a match will disrupt. 

But we also gain the ability to look our children in the eye someday and truly, honestly tell them that we loved their mamas well. We are able to honestly say that this journey was not just about what we stood to gain, but about the love we had to give. 

Expectant mamas choose us twice. It’s important to recognize and remember this fact. They choose us once when they select our profile and we are “matched,” and the second time when they decide to move forward with terminating their parental rights. 

Expectant mamas are more than vessels through which we become parents. They are vibrant, amazing women with hopes and dreams for their lives and the lives of their babies. Maybe we get to be a part of those dreams for the long haul. Maybe not. 

But before we can care for our children, we have to care for their mothers. 

That means fighting for them, advocating for them, and supporting them, even when it doesn’t benefit us. Because if we’re really doing adoption right, it won’t be about us at all. 

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WRITTEN BY STEPHIE PREDMORE: Stephie is an adoptive mama living in the middle of Illinois with her husband, daughter, and their menagerie of cats and dogs. She is passionate about advocating for better adoption education and offers adoption advising for hopeful adoptive and adoptive parents. You can often find her in the kitchen baking up something delicious or on the couch with a craft project. Connect with Stephie on Instagram.