I know you get to hear from me all the time as a Birth Mother but today I am so excited to be able to sit and interview my husband and share his story. He is no stranger to adoption and as we prepare for Father’s Day weekend I am grateful to learn from him.
John was adopted by his step-father when he was very young. He spent his childhood believing in the reality that his parents painted for him. After his parents divorced everything changed at the age of 12. After finding a letter written by his father’s second wife he read the word BASTARD and everything he knew as truth went up in smoke. (watch his interview HERE)
I asked John 5 questions about honesty, and why the truth matters when it comes to adoption.
If your parents would have been honest with you about your adoption, would it have been easier for you to process as a 12-year-old boy?
The way I discovered the truth about my adoption and the fact that “DAD” wasn’t my father was so ugly and had so much shame and embarrassment. I was completely blindsided by the truth about who I was but more importantly the truth about who I wasn’t. I don’t know as a twelve-year-old what would have been appropriate, but I know that any truth would have been better than how it was presented to me.
The way I discovered the truth about my adoption and the fact that “DAD” wasn’t my father was so ugly and had so much shame and embarrassment. I was completely blindsided by the truth about who I was but more importantly the truth about who I wasn’t. I don’t know as a twelve-year-old what would have been appropriate, but I know that any truth would have been better than how it was presented to me.
How did it affect you to find out the truth about your adoption?
Looking back, I think it shattered my entire world. It changed my perception of this “safe world” that I thought I had. Everything I knew of truth and safety and being cared for, now no longer existed. That truth was just the beginning of so many changes and traumatic events that I maybe could have been better prepared to handle if I had known some of these things beforehand. To this day, I have still never received full truth which has kept me from being able to discover the identity of my biological father and generations from his bloodline. Imagine the family that I have been denied.
Looking back, I think it shattered my entire world. It changed my perception of this “safe world” that I thought I had. Everything I knew of truth and safety and being cared for, now no longer existed. That truth was just the beginning of so many changes and traumatic events that I maybe could have been better prepared to handle if I had known some of these things beforehand. To this day, I have still never received full truth which has kept me from being able to discover the identity of my biological father and generations from his bloodline. Imagine the family that I have been denied.
Do you believe that honesty is always the best policy when talking to children about their life story, biology and upbringing?
I believe that you have to reveal truth in chunks that would be appropriate for the age of the child, the mental stability of the child, etc. but I don’t think that we give children enough credit for what they are capable of. There is nothing good to come from lying, no matter how uncomfortable the conversation. As we get older, we get more creative in the ways we lie….we all do it. We deny telling the truth by omitting pieces of it and by doing so, chip away at what can be a solid foundation.
I believe that you have to reveal truth in chunks that would be appropriate for the age of the child, the mental stability of the child, etc. but I don’t think that we give children enough credit for what they are capable of. There is nothing good to come from lying, no matter how uncomfortable the conversation. As we get older, we get more creative in the ways we lie….we all do it. We deny telling the truth by omitting pieces of it and by doing so, chip away at what can be a solid foundation.
Ashley and John with Ashley’s son’s parents
You raise children that have a sibling that was placed for adoption. How has honesty in his story allowed room for relationships between your kids and their half-brother?
The honesty alone is what allows room for this relationship. It has always been present and a part of our life. It has been able to evolve because we continue to nurture this relationship and make room for honest conversation and emotional support. We have immense pride in how we have brought difficult experiences to the table as an opportunity to teach our children and have allowed them to ask questions. That openness in our private life, the respect of the experience and the honesty has given us the confidence that we have needed to be so public about these things so that we can be better equipped to serve others.
The honesty alone is what allows room for this relationship. It has always been present and a part of our life. It has been able to evolve because we continue to nurture this relationship and make room for honest conversation and emotional support. We have immense pride in how we have brought difficult experiences to the table as an opportunity to teach our children and have allowed them to ask questions. That openness in our private life, the respect of the experience and the honesty has given us the confidence that we have needed to be so public about these things so that we can be better equipped to serve others.
Why do you think adoptive and biological parents keep secrets about adoption?
I think so much of the secrecy stems from shame and cultural expectation and pressure. In my own experience, I believe that my parents thought that they were protecting me, and themselves, by keeping secrets of my adoption and who my biological father was. Looking back, they really didn’t do anyone any favors. My relationship with my dad never fully recovered and never had a chance to develop into a trusting father-son relationship.
I think so much of the secrecy stems from shame and cultural expectation and pressure. In my own experience, I believe that my parents thought that they were protecting me, and themselves, by keeping secrets of my adoption and who my biological father was. Looking back, they really didn’t do anyone any favors. My relationship with my dad never fully recovered and never had a chance to develop into a trusting father-son relationship.
From John:
If I can share anything in hopes of improving your adoption relationship, I would just say be as honest and forthcoming as possible. Each situation is different. Every individual in any relationship has their own levels of understanding with various degrees of tolerance. One would be wise to take these into consideration as a relationship grows throughout the years. Not everyone can take the truth as it is, some people need a little cream and sugar with their coffee but try not to sugar coat everything.
If I can share anything in hopes of improving your adoption relationship, I would just say be as honest and forthcoming as possible. Each situation is different. Every individual in any relationship has their own levels of understanding with various degrees of tolerance. One would be wise to take these into consideration as a relationship grows throughout the years. Not everyone can take the truth as it is, some people need a little cream and sugar with their coffee but try not to sugar coat everything.
We want to grow and mature and appreciate the story and fabric of our lives. I wish I would have been told more of the truth before I found out for myself. I know that it wouldn’t have completely prepared me for that traumatic event, but at least I would have had some knowledge of who I was and would have been able to trust those that were sharing intimate details about where I came from.
