My name is Whitney and 19 months ago my husband, Nick, and I gained custody of our children, a sibling group of 3 in the Republic of Congo. At the time our oldest son was almost 6 and our boy-girl twins were almost 4. We were first-time parents and eager to begin our bonding process and honestly, I felt pretty prepared. Nick and I had been in the orphan care world for years, as we started our nonprofit, The Archibald Project, in 2012 and were excited for this new chapter.
However, before I jump in, I would first like to start off sharing that I have probably done all of the wrong things when it comes to attachment parenting, specifically when it comes to adopting an “older” child. Through my mistakes, I have walked a challenging road of gaining my children’s respect, like and love, and eventually began to see a HUGE central theme: Me.
At the root of almost every tantrum, explosion, fight, episode, or whatever you want to call it, I could have and should have, done something different. Through therapy, sleep (because sleep deprivation is a real thing) community, a supportive husband and just getting to what felt like the end of my rope, I have discovered amazing techniques to help my family’s bonding process and foster an environment of love.
Here are some things that I have seen truly begin healing my and my children’s hearts:
- Physical touch. It might sound obvious, but physical touch goes a long way. When your child is pushing you away, I want to encourage you to pull them in however they will let you. Obviously, respect your child and if they do not want to be touched then give them their space, however I have seen physical touch defuse the hottest of tempers. Specifically, hugging your child as they cry, or even yell. And, even when our children are not in a bad place emotionally, we need to be touching them! Pull your child into a hug as they walk by, tousle their hair throughout the day, rub on their arms and shoulders as you’re in the same room, invite them to sit in your lap and crawl into their bed at night to cuddle with them. This summer I was in a tough spot with one of my children, they were constantly telling me that I wasn’t their real mom and that they wish they had a different mom, and I realized I had stopped touching this child. My husband encouraged me to lay with this child in bed one night after an episode and everything in me said “heck no!”, but I did, because again, my reactions were often at the center of the lack of attachment. My child fought our cuddle session for the first minute or so, I respected them and said I would leave and then they caved, rolled into my arms and let me hold them until they were asleep. I’ve been doing this ever sense and our relationship has gotten so much better. Of course there are so many things involved in our relationship, but physical touch has definitely been a huge part of our bonding and healing.
- Spooning. I realize this is similar to my previous bullet point, but it is different. I want to encourage you to specifically lay down (however awkward it may feel at first) and spoon your child. Don’t declare it and make it awkward, or do if that’s you, just turn the TV on and lay down, but draw them into your safe arms. Syncing your breathe, holding one another…seriously can do wonders and weave your hearts together.
- Lollipops. Lollipops changed our lives. When our son began to feel unsafe he would start to break down. We had no idea how to help him because he wasn’t thinking logically. He would go into fight or flight, which is completely normal. And then a therapist told me that if we can get him to suck on something that his brain would begin to feel safe again and he would calm down and be consolable. In the beginning I would literally put the sucker in his mouth while he was screaming, usually he didn’t want it at first but after one or two sucks he was all in and would let me cradle and begin to console him already starting to calm down. Being able to help my son calm down physically has made room for him to let us hug him and talk with him when he’s upset. When he feels safe his heart begins to trust and bond to us. So if you have a child with explosive fight or flight tendencies, see if lollipops work! (and no, this did not translate into a reward system in his mind. It only took a few months of lollipops during tantrums to help his brain connect so that he could process his emotions in a healthier way. No he will let me hold him without a lollipop however I do still keep gum on me and offer it to him whenever I sense him starting to go into fight or flight.)
We are also big proponents of re-dos, negotiating, getting down on their eye level, listening to their feelings, embracing their emotions, asking questions so they feel heard, not asking “why” and much more. But there are amazing attachment books, videos and podcasts that go much more in-depth, but these 3 specific things have dramatically changed and bonded me and my children.
Some of my favorite resources: The Archibald Project’s blog and podcast, The Adoption Connection Podcast, The Whole Brained Child and anything by Karyn Purvis.
Written by Whitney Runyon – Co-Found of The Archibald Project
