When I first started my adoption journey, my knowledge of how it all works was very limited. I remember choosing an agency by flipping through brochures. I didn’t know what questions to ask as a young woman who found herself in an unplanned pregnancy, or what I was supposed to be looking for. I blindly trusted the adoption professionals and knowing what I know now, I am lucky I worked with agency staff who actually cared about me.
Choosing an agency and going through the pre-birth matching experience can be extremely overwhelming for an expectant mother. We don’t understand our rights, and often feel so ashamed and embarrassed we are even in this position in the first place, that we forget to stand up for ourselves. We don’t feel worthy enough or like we are allowed to ask the tough questions.
This needs to change.
Women choosing adoption for their child should feel empowered. Empowered to make an educated decision. Empowered to ask questions. Empowered to have an opinion. After all, she is the mother.
I was asked recently, “what advice would I give someone who is considering adoption for their child?” That is not an easy question to answer in just a few short sentences and even a google search does not provide quality advice. So to answer it well, I got to work. I started writing things down and asking myself what I would have loved for someone to say to me. With the help of a birthmom friend, Katy– we have compiled a list below of things I would have wanted to know. I will not cover every aspect but my hope is to bring some insight to those curious enough to do the hard work.
For the mama considering adoption.
1. You call the shots. After all, this is your baby until you sign papers. Walk in with your head held high and remember that just because you are in this position, does not mean you are not worthy of respect.
2. Google search the adoption agency you are working with. If something feels off about them, don’t ignore that feeling. It’s okay to find a new agency for whatever reason and don’t worry about offending anyone if you decide to work with someone else
3. Ask the agency what type of pre and post-placement support they offer.
Do they offer support groups?
Who leads the support group?
How often do they meet?
Do they have therapist recommendations?
Do they have books or journals to help you process your emotions?
What other support resources are available to you?
4. Get plugged in! There are countless private Facebook groups and other birth mother forums for you to join. I will warn you, though, that the internet can be a very scary place if you are in a vulnerable position. People can, and will, be ruthless. To find groups that align with your personal standards, and remember that there are a lot of ‘keyboard warriors’ out there. But there is also another side of the internet that is full of wonderful and enlightened people, and if you look hard enough you can find incredible and life-changing support.
5. You can change your mind at any point. Don’t let anyone, not agency staff or prospective adoptive parents, tell you you can’t parent or you have to place. I hear countless stories from birth moms who were coerced into adoption by either adoption professionals or prospective adoptive parents and years later they struggle immensely with guilt and shame for not fighting harder. Don’t be scared of upsetting someone for wanting to parent. Like I mentioned above, this is your baby. Ask agency staff what resources are available if you do choose to parent. If they respond negatively or don’t provide you with sufficient information, ask elsewhere or find a new agency. It is a red flag if the agency is hesitant to provide you with that information. It should make you wonder who they are really working for.
6. Create a birth plan and write it down. It doesn’t have to be complicated but writing something down and being able to present it to medical staff will immediately set the precedence. Unfortunately, a lot of medical professionals are not trained on how to handle adoption situations and it is not uncommon for medical staff to ignore the wishes of the mother and resort to asking the adoptive parents what they want to do first. Until those papers are signed, you call the shots before, during, and after delivery. When creating a birth plan here are some questions you can ask yourself: Do I want to deliver at home, a birthing center, or a hospital? Who do I want in the room with me? Do I want to breastfeed while in the hospital or provide formula? Do I want an unmedicated or medicated delivery?
7. Hold your baby. Try not to let the fear of letting go prevent you from holding and loving your baby. You will never regret holding your baby as much as you can. Some birth moms think that it will be easier for them if they don’t hold their baby but in my personal experience, I’ve yet to meet another birth mother who wished they had held their child less.
8. Really think about what you want the adoption relationship to look like. When I first started making an adoption plan, I originally wanted a closed adoption. I thought an open adoption would confuse my daughter but I was encouraged by my pregnancy counselor to consider a more open adoption and I’m glad I was – and that I listened. I know now, that healthy open adoptions are the best-case scenario and that it is in fact less confusing for the child if they have direct access to their biological roots.
9. Like any relationship, expect this new relationship with the adoptive parents to change over time. You are starting a life-long journey together. Our lives are busy and things come up. Some months you might not communicate as much and that’s okay. Some months you might communicate more and that’s also okay. Allow the relationship to be fluid, and expect the ebbs and flows.
10. If the family you choose doesn’t feel right after getting to know them, you can change your mind. Yes, they will probably be upset but how they react is not your responsibility. Listen to your motherly instincts and if something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. Look at as many profiles as you want until you find that perfect match.
Adoption is complicated, and it can be messy. There are so many layers and so many things to consider. I wish there was a step-by-step rule book but unfortunately, there isn’t. All we have is to rely on one another to learn and educate.
We need each other to question and challenge. To grow and encourage.
I’ve said this before and I will say it many times over, we are not meant to do adoption alone. It is and always should be a collaborative effort for the sake of our children. For the sake of our future.
Sending all the love that is in me to those who are considering adoption for their child.
Know that you are never alone.
WRITTEN BY JESSIE MATTOS: Jessie is a birthmom from Orlando, Florida, who has a passion for people, really good chicken wings, and will be the first to tell you if you have something in your teeth (in the nicest way possible!). She’s married to her best friend, Gabe, and is a stay-at-home mom to Gabriel and Micah. She is a University of Florida alumni and has been known to cut a rug or two. Jessie is the type of friend who will never leave your side and when she’s not spending time with her family, she loves to explore her hometown and immerse herself in the flavors of the city. Although she’s been a birth mom for eight years, Jessie has recently found her voice and her “people” within the adoption community and hopes to use this platform to remind others
Mother of lossI live with a hole in my heart everyday and it is very discouraging to see the manipulation is ongoing in today’s adoption world. This sentence in your post is particularly disturbing: “I hear countless stories from birth moms who were coerced into adoption
by either adoption professionals or prospective adoptive parents and
years later they struggle immensely with guilt and shame for not
fighting harder.”
The guilt and shame were CAUSED by the coercion and what we struggle with years later is the fact that our sons and daughters were TAKEN from us. The shame is not ours it belongs to the agencies, religious organizations and governments who think they have the right to judge that someone else would make a better parent than the people who conceived that child. I am a mother of loss just like you and have been for 38 years.