Experiencing Post-Adoption Depression.

I was kneeling on the floor of my son’s room, sobbing and cleaning up a spilled humidifier when it hit me: this is not normal. My son was crying on one side of the door, while I was crying on the other. I knew in that moment that I wasn’t just tired and this wasn’t just the normal challenges of adjusting to life as a family of five – This was post-adoption depression.

We’d been home with our 18-month-old son for 6 weeks. Things were hard and I was overwhelmed by everything from spilled water to putting away groceries. The lack of normalcy and human connection due to the global pandemic had used up everything I had left to maintain a healthy mental state and upon our return home, post-adoption depression (PAD, similar to postpartum depression) hit hard. 

I will be perfectly honest, friends. I struggle to share about this. It has nothing to do with the social stigma attached to mental health and everything to do with my role in adoption. As an adoptive parent, I hesitate to share the parts of my story that overlap and intertwine with my children’s. I never want to overshare what’s theirs and I never want my journey to overshadow theirs. I know that this topic is important and my wellness is vital for my role as a mother. However, I think it’s very easy to put the spotlight on myself in a way that can potentially cause harm to my children. With prayers to share well, I will start back in 2016.

In February 2016 our second daughter joined our family via international adoption. We had additional roadblocks due to (very positive) changes in adoption procedure that stretched out, first her referral, and then the finalization. When we were finally home I was glad to be moving on to the parenting stage of adoption. But I found myself struggling more than anticipated. I’d read many books and blogs about adopting toddlers, so I settled in for what I believed was at least a year of adjustment for all of us. I’d read a bit about PAD but I just didn’t think my situation was that serious.

However, when the year mark passed I still struggled with the daily grind, irritability, and attachment. My daughter was wonderful! Her heart was tender and ready to connect. She slept relatively well and was incredibly sweet. It wasn’t until almost two years later when I had a complete meltdown and realized that I was burnt out. With the help of my husband, I took some time to rest, and FINALLY in hindsight, I could see that what I had been struggling with wasn’t just normal parenting struggles. I was depressed.

Thankfully, our situation at the time allowed our family to make some changes to give me rest and time to work on my mental wellbeing. By making my health a priority our family thrived like we never had before as a family of 4. It was wonderful! So, when we discussed adopting a third time one of our priorities was my mental health. For me, that required developing a good relationship with a therapist, learning better self-awareness, asking for more help, and sharing the nighttime load with my husband.

We arrived home at the end of October, and despite the pandemic, we were doing all of the above as much as was in our control. But I was still struggling, and very aware that I wanted to seek help sooner than I did following my daughter’s adoption. After some research, I learned that depression includes more symptoms than I once thought.  According to mayoclinic.com* these are the signs common in postpartum depression: 

• depressed mood or severe mood swings

• excessive crying

• difficulty bonding with your [child]

• withdrawing from family and friends

• loss of appetite or eating much more than usual

• inability to sleep (insomnia) or sleeping to much

• overwhelming fatigue for loss of energy

• reduced interest and pleasure in activities you used to enjoy

• intense irritability and anger

• fear that you are not a good [parent]

• hopelessness

• feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt or inadequacy

• diminished ability to think clearly, concentrate or make decisions

• restlessness

• severe anxiety and panic attacks

• thoughts of harming yourself or your [child]

• recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

The meltdown on the floor was my “aha” moment. I could tick almost ALL of the above boxes! I wasn’t myself, and I had feelings I could not cope with on my own. So with the help of my psychologist, nurse practitioner, medical doctor, family, and friends I chose to begin taking an antidepressant near the end of 2020. The positive effects of the prescription have confirmed that this was the right choice for me. I know not everyone needs to be medicated and since I’m not a healthcare professional, I am really just telling you my story in hopes that it encourages you in your experience or gives you compassion for someone who doesn’t seem to be doing what you think they “should”.

If you are currently waiting to adopt, here is what I suggest as you prepare to welcome a child into your home so you can be the parent you want to be and your children deserve:

1. Get a therapist.

Therapy is for EVERYONE. It is not just for those with childhood trauma, or who have experienced the loss of a loved one through death or conflict. Develop this relationship before a child joins your family so the support is there after. Change your budget to make this a priority or see what public services are in your area.

2. Familiarize yourself with the signs of PAD.

According to postadoptiondepression.com PAD effects 10% to 32% of adoptive parents** and the symptoms are the same as postpartum depression. If you, your partner and support network know the signs, you will be ready to take action sooner and more effectively. Often others can see when you are not yourself more quickly than you can. 

3. Find one “tell-all” person.

This was life-changing for me as an adoptive parent. I guard my children’s stories very carefully. However, I found that the weight of carrying those hard truths needed to be shared by someone I could trust explicitly. I chose a dear friend, and she knows all the things. She helps me bear the load of parenthood and my children’s precious stories. 

4. Set boundaries in areas of life that cause stress.

Not all stress is bad. We need to be able to train for a marathon, further our education, learn about racism and become allies, and maintain relationships, for example. However, right before and after a child joins your family be mindful of what new boundaries may be needed. Evaluate your relationships and set some limits. This might mean deleting social media apps, reducing trips to visit family or taking a year off from a volunteer position. 

Let me lastly remind you that the last 13 months have been kind to no one. No matter where you stand on issues surrounding the pandemic and resulting restrictions, we are all dealing with immense stress and collective trauma. Many of us have experienced natural disasters, financial insecurity, and had our worldview challenged. Let’s give grace frequently and abundantly to ourselves and those around us. You don’t just have to “keep going” “be stronger” or “hustle harder”. Sometimes we truly need to stop and get help. 

So much love to you my friends,

Lanaya

citations:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617

https://www.postadoptiondepression.com/