I think my body knew that I was pregnant long before my head and heart could catch up. It was shifting, preparing and sending me signs long before I confirmed what it already knew. When I was 25 years old, I discovered that I was going to be a mother for the first time. But for me there was no passing around ultrasound pictures, no celebration, no baby shower, no gender reveals.
There was fear and embarrassment and shame and secrecy. And questions. Lots and lots of questions that required answers and time was not on my side.
When I was 26 years old I placed my first born son for adoption. I was logical and realistic and selfish and made the decision off of the things that I wanted and on what I believed that he needed…but did those thoughts come from me or the people that were hired to walk this journey out with me.
As pregnant women start to educate on their options of parenting, we look at the narrative that is being told and we must ask ourselves if we are doing her a disservice by not offering her all the information. Are we setting her up to be manipulated into placing her child for adoption?
“Social acceptance was predicated on the idea that these babies were unwanted. This belief eliminated the potential moral dilemma, especially for adoptive families: most families, no matter how much they wanted a child, would not want to get involved in taking child away from their mother against her will. But given the secrecy, shame and social stigma of the time, adoptive parents were never exposed to the story of pain and grief experienced by these mothers.” Ann Fessler, The Girls Who Went Away
As adoptive parents, you need to recognize signs of coercion so that you can better stand up for expectant parent and birth parent rights.
So what exactly is adoption coercion? It is when there is any form of pressure, manipulation or withholding of information to pressure a expectant parent that would result in the placing of that child.
Unfortunately, I don’t believe we ever get out of an adoption placement without some form of coercion. Intentional or not, it exists. Don’t panic or beat yourself up if you played a role in any sort of coercion. It happens and we all make errors based on lack of education. My heart is to share things to watch for so we don’t repeat the same mistakes.
I promise, you don’t want to leave the hospital with a baby and leave a mother in grief knowing that she was uneducated in her options, manipulated, coerced or placed out of obligation or guilt. At some point, you are going to be held accountable for how children came to be in your family. What are you telling them about what you did or maybe even more importantly didn’t do to bring them home?
So what does coercion look like?
There are more obvious forms of coercion and there are also passive forms of coercion.
I pride myself as being a person who really does what she wants, I was always a little like that, marching to my own beat and not following the status quo. As I look back over my process of making an adoption plan it is hard to imagine that as a 26 year old woman with a job and a place to live and health insurance that I would allow anyone to manipulate me into anything, but if I am being REALLY honest with myself, there are absolutely things that I let sway me when it came to my decision to place.
Obvious forms of coercion: This is where you can see that clear rights are being violated by agencies and professionals. We need to fight for the rights of the expectant parents and make sure that everything is done legally and ethically.
- Telling the expectant parent to draw up a list comparing what you could give to your baby with what adopters could give.
- Giving a promise that open adoption was a legally-binding agreement and the adoption later closed.
- Denying the expectant parent legal, medical or counseling services.
- Terminating the rights of parents before they were ready.
- Telling the expectant parent that they can’t change their mind because the baby is promised to someone else.
- Threatening them that they will have to pay back expenses that were given to support them during the pregnancy if they don’t place.
- Calling the expectant mother a BIRTH mother before her rights have been terminated.
The parents have rights over their own children and a parent should never be coerced into placing a child while having her rights violated. IF it is done correctly she will weigh her options and make a decision based on what she has discovered on her own.
Passive forms of coercion: This form of coercion gets a little bit trickier because we really get into what is legal vs. what is ethical. No legal rights are technically being violated and the professionals are working within the law but is it ethical?
- Telling the expectant parent what a blessing they are and that they are making the dreams come true for a hopeful adoptive couple.
- Telling the expectant parent that they will have a second chance at life and things can go back to normal.
- Letting them know that by placing their child for adoption you are telling your child how much you love them because it was a better life. (the message: if you don’t place your child, you don’t love them and want them to suffer in a life of less)
- Giving gifts and money to help with the obligation to place.
These are just a few examples of the way that professionals may spin the narrative to get women to make more adoption plans. Because let’s be honest, they make money if women place.
Now, there are also some passive ways that coercion is taking place through social media from adopting families. Every Kindred + Co family that I have the honor of talking with we really try and talk through language, the way they share about the expectant parents that will potentially choose them and ways that they can show proper etiquette during the wait.
If you can avoid doing these things you will be helping fight against coercion.
- When making adoption announcements avoid using other children in the home to be the billboard. Sharing pictures of children in t-shirts etc claiming that they are going to be a big brother or sister and they are so excited, we can make an expectant parent feel guilty if she doesn’t place because she doesn’t want to let down the younger children.
- When sharing pregnancy updates avoid posting ultrasound pictures of babies that aren’t yours. Be respectful of who is carrying the child. And remember that you can’t make this like you are the one that is pregnant.
- When sharing that you have been chosen by an expectant parent remember in your posts to remind your followers that she chose you because she is considering her adoption plan.
- Avoid saying anything that would take claim over a baby that isn’t yours. Again I know you are excited but saying “we are so excited to meet our baby” when the termination of parental rights from the biological parents haven’t even been signed.
These are just a few examples but I think you get the idea. And if you have done these things, as I said above, it’s okay. But let’s move forward and learn from others and do our best to do things better the next time. I want to remind the adoptive parents and hopeful adoptive parents that you are the privileged voice and if you SEE the expectant parents as people and not just the means to an end then you will stand and be an advocate for them.
I believe that the women that are making these life-altering decisions have the right to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
