I admit it. I was guilty of entering adoption years ago full of naïve ideals and oversimplified beliefs. I had barely scratched the surface of adoption ethics when we began. I quickly found I had a lot more listening to do and I needed to make some changes in my beliefs and language. I am sure that many of you have found yourself in the same place. Along the way, I shifted from calling myself an adoption advocate to an advocate for adoption education. They might sound the same, but since I believe words matter, when it’s possible I try to say what I mean. And I think there’s a big difference between these two. I don’t necessarily think families should adopt- although there is a huge need for many more parents to adopt children. I think families should adopt well.
That can be really difficult to say since there are kids waiting right now! There is a desperate need in every single corner of the earth for parents to step up and bring legitimately waiting children into their families as sons and daughters, as well as provide options for moms if they choose not to parent. But becoming an adoptive parent is not something that can be done halfway or halfhearted, and it certainly isn’t over when the adoption is finalized. I do not exaggerate when I say that our family experiences the effects of adoption on a daily basis. That’s OK, but it also means that if hopeful adoptive parents enter into adoption thinking it’s over on their finalization date, they are mistaken. It is completely possible for a newborn to have suffered multiple layers of trauma before they even meet their adoptive parent. Each individual is affected in different ways by their loss, and can have various challenges depending on the complexity of the traumas they have endured. However, even if the day to day parenting doesn’t seem to be impacted by adoption loss and trauma related to needing to be adopted, it is vital that adoptees have healthy ongoing discussions about their life experiences.
Too many adoptees are struggling with identity, mental health, and trauma for us to believe that adoption is simple. When we focus on being advocates for adoption, we often portray adoption in an unfairly rosy light. Instead of calling potential adoptive parents into an exciting, challenging and complex parenthood with the correct tools to do it well, we are just desperately lobbing out suggestions that everyone adopt, throwing around over-simplified “better than” future ideals, hoping they figure it all out as they go along.
It is also equally important to advocate for family preservation and reunification – caring for vulnerable women, children and families at all the stages in between. But these values can get lost when we become adoption advocates since our focus can shift dangerously away from expectant moms, vulnerable women, children in crisis onto us, our desires and our entitlement. In the words of Amy Bennet, “Our command from God is to take care for [vulnerable children]. Our command is not to adopt. It is a beautiful picture of what God does for us to bring us into his family, but there are a lot of ways to support [vulnerable children].” We cannot lose sight of the mandate of all believers in our personal desires, or even in our personal obedience. Adoption is not THE answer for all vulnerable children or crisis pregnancies, although it can be an answer in the right circumstances. We must turn into advocates for education if we wish to adopt and parent adoptees in the most ethical and helpful way possible.
If we are solely advocates for adoption, then our end goal is adoption. This end goal can be extremely harmful to the child. However, if our end goal is to serve women, children and families in distress, we will be looking at the best options, not only ONE option. I am decidedly pro-adoption. However, I believe so passionately that adoption alone is not the goal. Healthy, ethical adoption for ALL sides of the triad is the goal when adoption is the best option.
In my pursuit of good adoption education, I have had to come down a long way from my high horse. But when I climb down, sit and listen, I educate myself and in turn want to pass that on to others. My compassion and empathy has grown as I listen to adoptees and birth families. I am working to parent my children with a toolbox that fits their needs, instead of trying to make them fit mine. I see people as God’s creation to protect, instead of humanities’ mistakes to fix. I approach parenting as a privilege, as opposed to a right.
Let’s learn and grow together. Let’s advocate not just for adoption, but for high standards of adoption education. Let’s learn so much about the complexities of adoption that we can’t help but educate others well about adoption. Let’s encourage those around us to support new moms, to become foster families, to spend our money on programs that keep families together, AND to adopt well.
Lanaya and her husband have the privilege of parenting two beautiful girls who joined their family through international adoption. Adoption makes their family a whole lot more beautiful, and brings unique challenges to the table. This has driven her in her pursuit of adoption education, particularly from adoptee and birthparent voices, which she seeks to elevate in the adoption community. She believes passionately in the value of every human life and the incredible grace of God. She and her family live in Alberta, Canada. Connect with Lanaya on Instagram @lanaya.graham, and through her blog found at www.lanayagraham.com.
