The Questions I Get Asked – Life as a Transracial Family

If you’re reading this, I’m making the assumption that you are connected, in some form or fashion, to adoption. You could be waiting to adopt, or adopted yourself, you could be a birth parent, you could be an adoptive parent, an employee for an adoption agency, the possibilities are endless. I thought I’d invite you over to have a silly little chat about some funny things we’ve experienced in the world of adoption in hopes that you’ll laugh a little. We all know that adoption is a joyous occasion, and also a heavy one. It’s a true rollercoaster with peaks and valleys and slow turns and fast hills, but I think we can all agree that, for the most part, Hollywood has shaped many an opinion about adoption of those without a real connection to it.

That said, I’m curious, how many of these have happened to you?

We get asked frequently if we’re going to tell Shepherd he’s adopted. You guys…we get asked frequently.

To be fair, it always seems to come out rapidly and clumsily and without much forethought, which is very good news. Usually I’m like, “No, we planned on turning his life into an actual lifetime movie where the ‘big reveal’ happens on his wedding day or something.” Or wait until the day someone else, who is not us, tells him that his parents are white and he is not. How fun does that sound!? Not fun at all. Not fun at all.

One of my favorite things ever is when people ask me, when out and about, if I’m his “real” mom. I respond by telling them I’m actually a robot, so no, I am not real, and if they do not back away slowly the laser beams will commence and then I’ll be forced to self-destruct. Okay, I know, I know, it’s just semantics. But we try really hard over here to encourage others to use terms like “Biological mother,” and “Adoptive Mom,” – but really I am just mom, but I’ll be the first to tell you that if I’m feeling especially feisty I’ll just stick with the robot scenario. That, or scream loudly as I stomp away, “WHAT WOULD IT EVEN MEAN TO BE A FAKE MOM?!”

Shoot! I said the previous situation was one of my favorites, but now I’m remembering another favorite, and that’s when everyone and their brother asks me if I’m the babysitter. I mean, okay, fair. I look insanely young and fresh and like my life has been nothing but rainbows and butterflies and look at me, I’m just babysitting to kill the time before my next semester of college begins, why thank you. While I daydream about ACTUALLY traveling to Europe, I blubber something like, “DO YOU SEE THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES!? Two of my children died and this is my SON who I adopted just 4 months after burying my second daughter and so NO I AM NOT THE BABYSITTER UNLESS YOU WANT TO OFFER ME EXTRA MONEY BECAUSE YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME.”

Ha…haha……….sigh.

On a lighter note, how about when strangers ask very very personal questions about the nature of his adoption? I’m over here all like, “Umm, how about we start by you telling me your entire life history including the moments you’d only share with family and close friends?” It’s weird, though. I usually don’t get a response when I say that.

Trust me, I could go on. But let’s end on this one:

“So, is it hard to choose which baby you want?”

And then my talk starts:

“First….people in the adoption process don’t CHOOSE their babies.”

“What!? How does it work then!?”

“Well, after a family is licensed to adopt, they make some sort of profile that highlights various traits about their story and their family. Ultimately, the biological parents choose, from a group of licensed families, who will raise their child.”

“So then the families all go and meet her and she picks out of them?”

“NO, ARE YOU KIDDING ME THAT WOULD BE SO WEIRD AND NOT OKAY. The birth parents usually look through profiles. Like books. About the families.”

“Whoah, no way! So you aren’t choosing the child at all.”

*silence*

“No. I don’t walk up to a precious expectant parent during one of the hardest moments of their lives and decide that I like THEIR baby best, and that I believe that I would raise them in a way that would make the birth parent most comforted and then take them without input from the person/people who made/birthed them. Make sense?”

How about we end there? I suppose if you don’t learn to laugh you just end up crying, amiright? All in all, I think these comments and questions truly are an amazing way to education more effectively on the process of adoption. But having a good laugh at the end of the day doesn’t hurt, either!

I want to know the funny things people say to you! Let us know!