When the world is experiencing chaos on so many levels and every screen you look at seems to showcase endless stories of disruption, pain, and devastation, I feel afraid and want to escape. It’s these moments which send me searching for a warm body, that can offer attunement, kindness, nourishment, protection, and peace. This desire to be cared for and be tucked into a safe home can be complex for an adoptee.
Birth Mama.
A question I have pondered throughout the last year and more in the past weeks has been, “where does one retreat to for comfort and safety when they aren’t connected to their Birth Mom”? Where does a calming sense of shalom come from when I can’t see assurance in my Mama’s dark brown eyes and hear her soft voice reminding me that all will be well?
A wise mentor once shared with me that we all need someone who is
“Bigger, Wiser, Stronger, Kinder”.
Someone who is bigger than us brings us a place to rest in.
Someone who is wiser than us knows the way.
Someone who is stronger than us can fight for us.
Someone who is kinder than us, can give the grace we need and can’t give ourselves.
All of these characteristics are encompassed in the gift of being parented and more specifically, Mothered. The desire to find a place of refuge and exhale is found in the arms of a woman I come from but don’t have access too. This truth holds grief in my heart and brings tears to my eyes.
I never knew my Birth Mom and my Adoptive Mom was the complete opposite of safe, kind, and nurturing.
This past weekend, I sat on my bedroom floor and wept with a friend on the phone. I stared at the pile of tissues next to me and wondered what a young woman was to do when she needed the care of her Birth Mama but didn’t have access to her. The deep ache in my gut and the pressure in my head (from crying so hard) were very present reminders that I was in the midst of the grief and hadn’t yet found the relief I was searching for.
I picked up my phone and texted a friend’s mom (who is Indian) and asked if I could get some time with her this week. She replied with “”Hi Sandhya…yes I would absolutely love to see you honey”, her words brought encouragement and fresh hope.
Though I can’t go and be scooped up by my Birth Mama, I have still experienced the provisions of grace through connecting to a few Indian Women who are around my Birth Mama’s age. This small group of women give me a taste of abundance where there has been much lack.
My friend’s mom (whom I call Aunty) picked me up, brought me to her home and insisted I sit by the warm fireplace as she made a delicious coffee drink for me. I asked if I could help her in the kitchen and she insisted that I just sit and be, just like a Mama would. She joined me with a cup of tea for herself. Over the course of the next couple hours we enjoyed laughter, shared stories, and named the discouragement of this past year and the hopes we hold for this new year.
She fed me home cooked Indian food which I experienced as a lavish feast. The spicy and sweet flavors on my plate nourished my soul. We talked about Indian food, spices, and cooking. She packed up a few of her Indian spices and insisted I take them. The grace and gifts kept coming and my heart kept filling. And although, I tried to convince Aunty of my super high spice tolerance, she could read right through my words as my watery eyes and sniffles told her the truth of my true spice tolerance being more medium than hot. The welcoming hospitality and care I received was a sense of home for which I know is possible but hadn’t received in the presence of my childhood years. Aunty’s home felt safe and nurturing and this is the mirroring to my Birth Mama’s arms.
We gathered back in the living room with full bellies from our Indian feast. The ache of grief I had been carrying was calmed and soothed. I didn’t have my Birth Mama sitting across from me but I had a woman who could represent what I was looking for and this was a gift of grace. This powerful mirroring brought a gift of healing to my soul and story.
As our time came to an end, we exchanged a brief hug and then she took her delicate brown hand, cupped my cheek and looked at me the same way a Mama looks at their child, she said “I love you honey”. I was filled with awe and melted with gratitude. This nurturing Indian woman represents my birth culture, reflects my skin tone and dark features, and has given me abundantly more than what I imagined within a few hours.
[The wild joy behind this moment came as I reflected back to the This Is Us episode which aired just a few days prior. It was when Randal was introduced to his Birth Mother’s story. In the last scene Randal’s Birth Mama cups his cheek and says “I love you”. As I watched this moment I wished to share the same moment with my Birth Mama. I had no idea that I would be surprised just two days later with the same gesture through a woman I call Aunty.]
The world is still in a disruptive state and holding tremendous grief, and although I don’t get the privilege of tucking into my Birth Mama’s arms, I can still experience a sense of shalom and connection to my birth culture through being cared for by my Aunty. She is one who is bigger, wiser, stronger, and kinder and her presence is an invitation for me to increase my hope that home can still exist even after disruption and loss.
Join Sandhya’s Transracial Adoptive Parent Support Group
A uniquely designed online support group for parents of transracial adoptees led by a transracial adoptee.
The goal of this group is to help parents grow in greater awareness in caring for their children, be prepared for the difficult parenting conversations that are unique to adoption, receive support in processing your own and your child’s ethnic identity, and walk forward with resources and a more integrated approach to parenting your adopted children.
This group will hold space for vulnerability, connection, and compassion. It will empower you to approach your child’s story with kindness and curiosity while increasing your capacity and awareness, which will strengthen the foundation of your relationship with your child.
This virtual group is specifically designed for Parents of Transracial Adoptees and starts tonight! Learn more here.
WRITTEN BY SANDHYA OAKS: Sandhya is a campus ministry leader, speaker, writer, and advocate. Born in India and adopted as a Transracial Adoptee in the Midwest, she has been serving with Cru Campus Ministry for more than 13 years and loves developing students and staff while watching Jesus set women free.
She is the Co-Founder of The Adoption Triad, a social media group that provides community and resources to those connected to Adoption and Foster Care. Because of her joy for storytelling and love for walking with people through the mountains and valleys of life, she is pursuing a Certificate in Narrative Focused Trauma Care through the Allender Center based in Seattle. Her heart to see Adoptees and Families thrive shows up as she leads TRA Parent and TRA Groups through Restoration Counseling.
Her story holds tremendous loss, abundant resilience and defiant hope. She is passionate about sharing God’s restoration in her journey and has been delighted at doing so through writing blogs, being interviewed on podcasts, and speaking and emceeing at conferences across the nation. Most recently, she appeared on the TEDx stage as she shared her story, “Awakening to My Name”.
Sandhya recently moved to Colorado and spends her free time camping, sipping coffee with friends, and creating tasty charcuterie boards.
