Loss and grief are not new themes for the adoption community. In a time like our world is in, it has been a wonder to me as I watch the collective feelings hit our world in big waves. We are all walking in the ‘new unknown’ and yet, somehow there is still good news.
As an adoptee, unknown and instability make for easy targets for my trauma flags to start waving. My jaw has seen better sleep but my faith is the secret weapon. In the first week of the pandemic, I found myself weirdly researching the impacts of Covid-19 in Jeju Island, Korea and the towns near where my parents live. My thoughts roamed dark halls. But thankfully after many trips to my therapist’s couch, I could say out loud to my partner “Is my first family, ok?” Sadly, I will not know. I do not have the gift of an open adoption.
After our recent stent of doing foster care, I could not help find my thoughts racing toward all those parents being quarantined from their children, how these special kids already bent toward fear would be comforted and how essential working foster parents would make it all work… We called our local office and reopened our home to be of aid to the increased surge of removals. Bought in some coffee for the extra hours our social worker was working. And, I found my prayer to be desperate for so many people I do not know, but in some way, feel connected to.
Then a certain (well known and beloved) birth-father called. My daughter’s first father’s voice rang over the screen and at that moment,
I took a deep breath.
It was like all the moving pieces tied together. In the chaos of all the loss and grief, I saw our gain. It is in the fabric of our family, with it’s 6 collective parents a part of this bunch (our daughter’s birth parents, us and our son’s birth parents). We are a loud multicultural crew that has the privilege of checking in on each other. Something I wish I had for myself and hope all adoptee’s have the ability to navigate through their lives. But, this moment in history is marking my children’s stories. With great hope, I realize I have control over that. I cannot wait to tell my girl, how her birth parents both brought so much peace to our household. I do not have answers for the world’s collective pain or the brokenness in adoption, but I do see the beauty.
I see beauty in:
My friend Angela’s encouragement to write a short e-mail updating our children’s biological family.
The way that my children’s first families have given me so much more room to grieve my story.
The bittersweetness of being an adult-adoptee, you would think after all these years of the unknown that this time would be a little easier. But it isn’t. Instead, I will continue to sit in my deep cannons of brokenness and empathy.
But, friends there is so much hope. We must be broken to be put back together. In this season give yourself permission to feel, create new rhythms and keep looking for the joy in the small things. Maybe, it’s not taking that zoom call and instead, you take some time to journal your emotions, or join the app, “house party” with your favorite friends. Or maybe… it’s putting on the show for your kid’s while you sit in the other room slowly drinking tea, instead of doing the laundry.
No matter what it is, look for the deep breaths, they are all around us…
WRITTEN BY BRANDI EBERSOLE: Brandi is a transracial adoptee, adoptive mama, foster mama, you know just a mama… Brandi lives on the North Shore of Boston. She loves LOVE, people and strong coffee. She feels the weight of balancing many hats with her partner in crime and true love, Daniel.. The two of them own a business together and relish filling their days capturing love behind their lens in all different settings. They also have three incredible kids, the first of whom came to them via adoption. She’s their passionate, bright, and spicy Latina daughter. Her story has brought so much healing for Brandi, not to mention this daughter’s amazing birth-parents, making their “extended” family quite the tribe. Their second child, a son, is currently Brandi’s only-known blood relative and his joyful, and charming ways are making it easy for Brandi to love her Korean heritage. And most recently added their foster-son “honeybear”, a full and mighty personality in a tiny brave body. Brandi is excited to share from her many crossing roles in the adoption triad, and believes as the many stories of this blog wash over each other, we are growing stronger. You can find Brandi and all her “Tribe” is up to at www.ebersoletribe.com along with instagram @ebersoletribe
