10 Things To Remember: A letter from a birth mom to her children

Over the years, I began to compile a list of things I wanted my birth daughter to know as she made this venture through life. I initially shared them with her on her 15th birthday, and since I have added one each year. It is wisdom I couldn’t give to her through parenting because I was having to learn these vital truths in the hardest ways imaginable. To describe the growth I have experienced since I placed her into the arms of her parents 17 years ago, and then her brother two years after her, as exponential, is quite an understatement. I wouldn’t be who I am or doing what I am with my life without their existences in this world or without placement as part of my story. I couldn’t be with them much physically in earlier years, I had to step back for a good, long while, after I realized that my learning needed to be done separately in order to be able to impart these truths to my children one day. I wanted to become the kind of person they could look up to and turn to, knowing that I love them more than anything and would always put them first, even at the expense of myself. That is ultimately why I chose what I did, even if it has been so incredibly difficult at times.

These are ten things I want them to always remember and cling to as they continue to grow into young adults and into who they are meant to be; things I wish I would have learned in my life far sooner than I was able. I love that each of these apply to both her and her brother. I love that they can always have my words to carry with them and that I get to tell them I love them in many forms. It took a lot for me to come to these truths myself, as a birth mother, as a woman, as a broken human being, and to be able to pass them on and down to my birth kids, to my son I parent, to everyone and anyone who needs to hear them and embrace them, whatever season of life you are in, is a gift and a blessing. May these truths impart freedom to those who read them, especially my sweet teenage babes and their beautiful hearts:  

• Learning to love yourself completely, flaws, insecurities and all, may be the hardest thing you will ever do, but ultimately it is the most rewarding in terms of not allowing false love from others to taint who you are and who you will become in the long run. Making mistakes is a part of life but it’s in the learning from our mistakes, and loving ourselves through them, that true growth takes place.

• Being yourself and loving yourself are two different things, yet they work hand in hand, in that, being authentically yourself is where more self love can happen, and loving yourself allows your truest self to emerge.

• Happiness is a choice, no one else can make you happy, though they can encourage and contribute to your happiness or even try to take it from you, actually being happy within yourself is a personal responsibility that only you have power over, don’t give that power to others.

• You are here for great purposes, you aren’t now, nor will you ever be, an accident, you are here for a reason

• You should never have to force, coerce or convince someone to love you, care about you or see your worth, as the people meant to be in your life will do so without explanation.

• What others may say about you negatively says far more about them than it does about you. Don’t allow the jealousy or insecurity of others to sway what you know to be true of you.

• Allow yourself to feel things out, as ranges of emotions are important to our personal growth and healing and feeling through things completely is essential to learning even more about yourself and others: feel it out.

• You are not now, nor will you ever be an object or possession, and if anyone tries to treat you as such, it is absolutely okay to walk away and clear your soul house and heart of those people. Don’t be afraid to say ‘No’ to things and people who don’t contribute positively to your well-being, growth, or forward movement, as life is too short to stay stuck simply to please others with constant ‘Yeses’.

• You are the only you there will ever be, know you are irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind and that your true beauty radiates from the inside outward. A beautiful heart and soul far surpass anything exterior. When you shine from the inside out, your authentic beauty will always be revealed and seen.

• No matter what may come, no matter the heartache or break you will experience, through any and every bad circumstance, situation, person or thing that may hurt you, you are always loved by so many people. We are always here for you and you are always enough for those of us who have the honor of loving you.

Sarah Noelle Schmidth is a graduate of Azusa Pacific University with emphasis, in Psychology and Pastoral Counseling. She is a native Californian that currently resides in Salt Lake City, Utah with her husband and their little boy. She was the first birth mother to sit on the board of the Southern California Chapter of Bethany Christian Services and is also a writer, speaker and open adoption advocate. As a birth mother of two teenagers, placed at birth with the same couple, in an open adoption, she empathizes with women who make the courageous sacrifice that is choosing placement for their children. Her passions for people, healing and encouragement lead her to write and share her story through various platforms in hopes that others will not feel alone in their own journeys, but instead feel the grace, love and comfort that come from having a community of support rallying around each woman in need.  Her heart’s calling is helping women see their worth, bringing them together to embrace their differences, flaws and uniquenesses, helping each other through life, standing beside one another in solidarity, accepting and loving those deemed unacceptable, educating in love and trying to understand the misunderstood. She is currently the Western Region Account Specialist, contributing author of the nation’s first post placement care curriculum for birth mothers and a consultant, workshop host and birth mother voice for the Back to Basics 14 day, online triad experience for adopting and adoptive couples and parents through Lifetime Healing, LLC.