An unexpected, unintentional fully embraced reunion was before my very heart. Something I had never imagined was unfolding for me. Once I was in, I was all in. My investigative nature began to seek out my newly named potential birth mother. I found her fairly easily with a simple facebook search. I knew I had to write her. I knew I had to connect with her, but major fears set it. The biggest fear being, what if she didn’t want to hear from me? I have no knowledge about why she placed me so my mind was running wild with the “what if’s.” Trying to envision this unknown women’s life then and now. I know in my heart it’s unfair to compare other birth moms and their stories to one another so I know the answers are unique, endless. I had been in this familiar spot before. When I attempted to write her the first time. This letter to her could no way be the same letter I attempted a few months ago. I had actual biological leads now. I am invested now. I had the eagerness that I never had before. I sat down to write. Then I delete those drafts and started over. I hated that I had to reach out to her through social media. So informal. So impersonal. So blindsiding. But it was my only option. My message gave the facts leading up to where we are now, how things unfolded through Ancestry. I decided to add a personal touch with a picture of my biological son and me incase she needed proof, as if my long-winded detailed story wasn’t enough. I needed her to see that I was healthy and happy. I wanted her to see our resemblance. I didn’t ask for anything in my message, just a simple confirmation that I found the right person. I didn’t want her to feel pressured to disclose her personal life or bombard her with a potential relationship. I finalized my message and clicked send. I then stared at the screen for way to long. Constantly watched for the word “read” to appear in our blank chat window. I worried if she was even active on social media and was already trying to map out how I’d reach her if she wasn’t. I did this for a few days, ten long days to be exact.
During those 10 days, I loaded up with a group of friends and headed to Mexico. Encouraged by my birth father, I stood on the beach and gave the wait up to God. I was so tired of worrying, of fearing, of overthinking. I began to contemplate that this may be the reason why I was not into searching in the beginning. I was genuinely terrified. So I stood there, open water, crashing waves, and I took deep breaths and released loudly. I gave it to Him because I didn’t have the strength to take this on alone. I knew this was not in my control. Everything was unfolding for me, for a reason, so I needed to continue down that natural led path. I walked away from that Mexican beach relaxed. Legitimately at peace. Ready for doors to open yet ready for doors to stay closed.
Our trip came to an end just a couple days later and about an hour away from my house, my friend sitting in the back seat with me asked the frequent questions “did she read it yet?” (that was a running joke up until that point). I hadn’t looked in a few days, if you can believe that, and my eyes immediately filled with tears. “She read it,” I screamed. My friend who was driving immediately attempted to pull over. I’d wipe my eyes, look at the screen to see she was typing. Then stopped. Then started again. Four girls, all invested, all eagerly waiting for this response. My friend doing the same with the car, breaking to pull over or to continue on the path home. “What if it isn’t her?” “what if she doesn’t want this reunification”; “what if she doesn’t believe me?” Couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t stop questioning.
Kira and her birth dad (orange) and new extended family!
And then she wrote back. My heart sank. Scared to read but encouraged by my car filled tribe. My birth mother and I go back and forth asking and answering basic yet crucial identifying questions. My nerves don’t seem to settle as this is all unfolding through the screen. On one side of the screen I sense confusion and the other side of the screen I am apprehensive. Still apprehensive that this could go in any possible direction. After many messages and emotions, we decide to have our first phone conversation. She gave me a time that she’d call and she didn’t miss a second. At different points in the conversation, I felt like I couldn’t hear her because my heart was beating so fast, so hard. She was open to disclosing the reasons for my placement. She expressed her gratitude towards my parents for raising me with so much love. She confirmed that her hopes, dreams and prayers for her daughter had come true- to be raised with love and care. As we hang up, I was excited to know that we had made plans to meet, one day soon. Thankfully, I got to meet my birth mother face to face just a few short weeks later.
Kira and her birthmother and Dad.
Although I can easily admit this was something that caught me by surprise, a story unfolded without much effort, reunions only dreams, I am forever grateful for the timing. Had this happened at any point in my childhood or even adulthood, I don’t think I would have been prepared for these new relationships, prepared for the hard truths, prepared for the effort needed. I am happily able to open my life and my heart to these individuals as if I have known them my whole lives.
