The night before we met her, I laid awake in bed, unable to sleep. We had just learned we were matched for the very first time and had lunch plans to meet the expectant mama. My mind raced thinking through the implications of this meeting. We were matched with the hope of soon welcoming a third son home. I wanted to be sure to wear the right thing, bring the prettiest flowers and study up on the best things to say. I cringe thinking about it all now. My intentions were good but my heart had a lot of learning to do.
Meeting an expectant mom who you’ve been matched with for the first time is exciting and intimidating. The expectant mama’s we met were each so different, but each woman was marked by her bravery and kindness. I learned so much from each of them.
- She’s nervous too.
We were matched twice before we brought our son home, so in all we met three different mama’s. We met one for the first time at a restaurant and got to know each other over mugs of coffee and steaming bowls of soup, another we met at the agency for the first time and sat in a cold, sterile board room around a gigantic rectangular table. We met Frankie’s birth mom for the first time in the hospital, where we sat in vinyl recliners and rocking chairs positioned around her bed. Every mom, and every situation different, and yet a similar thread. After Patrick and I would introduce ourselves, usually with a hug, either the sweet mama or one of us would mention our nerves. It seemed like as much as we wanted it to go well and for her to like us, so did she. Just getting our nerves out in the open tended to be a huge icebreaker. We were no longer strangers that came from two different places, we were people brought together for a shared purpose.
- She has a story.
I remember talking to my closest friends after we met the first expectant mom for the very first time. Everyone was prepared to celebrate with us, and naturally asked details about the baby. It surprised them that we hadn’t talked about the baby during our lunch. Patrick and I walked into each meeting with a genuine desire to get to know these women. We asked questions about her childhood, her favorite foods, the stuff she’s passionate about, and her hopes for the future. We wanted to take time to connect just as people, to get to know her. Think about what you want to tell your child about her. A relationship is built over time and we wanted ours to start with a foundation that focused on her story.
- She loves this baby.
So much. She is sitting across from you because she chose life for her child. As we walked into the humble hospital room on the day we met Frankie, my heart was filled simultaneously with deep love and overwhelming grief. Her son who would soon become ours, was sleeping peacefully in his bassinet next to her bed. She had lovingly cared for him; feeding him, changing him, swaddling him and rocking him since his birth. His tiny 7-pound body was evidence of her courage, and her great love.
- She’s not a birth mom yet.
This one is important, and not nearly just a matter of semantics. She is the child’s (legal) mom until the day she signs papers to terminate parental rights. So when you meet for the first time, she’s an expectant mom considering placing her child for adoption. For me this language was important, because it honors her throughout the process, regardless of the outcome.
- Bring you.
From that first meeting, my heart came a long way. I found that nothing that I wore could be more beautiful than the love of Jesus, and the flowers that I brought weren’t nearly as important as bringing kindness, compassion, an open mind and grace. She chose your family because of you, bring yourself and wear your love.
As my husband likes to say, “God’s got it”. We learned that it’s true, no matter how that first meeting goes or what the outcome of the placement ends up being, it works out. Perfect outfit, best flowers, fluid conversation or not, our story is a reminder that God’s got it.
DianaSuch good reminders! Thank you!