As a stay-at-home, work-from-home, homeschooling, adoptive mama, boundaries have transformed my motherhood. Setting and creating boundaries has been a growing practice for me, because it is not in my nature as a helper to do so. But I have learned since our adoption journey began, boundaries are absolutely necessary. Boundaries surrounding your child’s story, your commitments, all the way to what I want to talk to you about today: Boundaries surrounding social media. This has been an interesting year to see how our connections to and interactions with one another have changed, because it forced us to mainly use technology to foster any sense of community. I do not believe we were meant for isolation, and oh how that has shown greatly every time I hop online.
I came to this online adoption community not knowing what to expect, and I am so grateful for the completely unexpected gift of making actual friends from this app. Dear friends, many of whom I have never actually met in real life, which is both weird and awesome at the same time. But here’s the deal though: Despite the benefits I’ve seen from social media, it will never take the place of in-person relationships. It can’t. The effects that screens and the interactions we have on them hit our brain differently than when we are physically with someone, when we can hear the tone of their voice, see their facial expressions, watch their body language, and be fully present and engaged.
As this beautiful community grows and changes, it can also start to feel overwhelming and affect your mental health. For many of us who don’t have in-person adoption and foster care communities, this online one is vital to us, and I’m in that camp with so many of you. But if 2020 has taught me one thing, it’s that I can’t do it all and I’m not meant to.
Let me give you a freeing statement: It is okay to create margins in your life.
This includes social media. Watch this story, catch this live, read these posts, go to this IGTV, sign up for this webinar, subscribe to this podcast, swipe up, click here…we can’t do it all. I often feel “behind” as a mom. Always behind on laundry and whatever else culture is telling me or pressure I put on myself. It can quickly feel no different in this online community if we aren’t careful. When I began to create boundaries for social media, I became more available to my family, the ones who need me the most. Creating boundaries has helped create a litmus test so that I can give my best, whether it is with my time, work, relationships, money, you name it. And you know what? When I stick to those boundaries, my mental health is also at its best. I am able to show up as my best self in my home, my in-person relationships, online for this adoption community, in my writing, and that feeling of being “behind” diminishes because I have consciously accepted what I can and cannot commit to in this current season of my life. Maybe you are a pro at setting boundaries, maybe you need to give yourself permission to do so. Wherever you are, I’d like to leave you with some questions to help guide you to intentionally start practicing this, and give you a couple of tips to consider how you show up in this ever-growing and changing online space.
Setting Boundaries With Time
- There are only so many hours in the day. How do you want to be spending them?
- What are my priorities in this season?
- What relationships in my life are ones I know I can count on? How much time am I really investing in those?
- What areas of my life are constantly draining? Are there ways I can simplify, ask for help, or simply say no?
- What continually pulls at my attention that isn’t necessary? How can I create margins for that?
Setting Boundaries With Social Media
What things are most important for me to learn right now?
What is my biggest struggle with social media?
What is my mental health like when I get off of these apps?
Before I engage in conversations, is my voice needed in this area?
Am I in a healthy place to talk about certain topics online and engage in feedback from others, whether they agree with me or not?
Tips For Time Management & Mental Health On Social Media
- Limit your time and take breaks. One of the best decisions I have made in 2020 is limiting my time on social media and taking breaks completely. When I sat down and asked myself these questions, the answers were clear: I did not want to spend the majority of my time on my phone. I recognized my struggles with social media and therefore knew that I had to set limits. I saw how much time I had and was willing to give in this season, so I went into my settings and put time limits on all of my apps. My phone completely “shuts down” from 10 pm-7 am. Seeing how this was affecting my mental health, I first started by taking a full 24-hour break from social media, which has now turned into an entire weekend because it takes my nervous system at least 24 hours to not feel that addictive pull. Then, by the time I am ready to come back on, I am in a healthy place where I can show up better and for less time.
- Regularly clean out your feed. Whether it’s fun or educational, the fact of the matter is we are consuming content. Now, hear me, this doesn’t mean you get an “out” and every single person you are following is someone you 100% agree with on all things. We need to be willing to be uncomfortable, especially as adoptive and foster parents or hopeful adoptive. We cannot simply just follow other adoptive parents and not listen to any other voices in the triad, or only listen to those with one type of narrative. However, it is ok that we are not going to resonate with every single voice. You are going to have to personally determine the balance of being challenged in order to grow and knowing when a space is just straight up toxic for you, and act accordingly. Maybe you simply need to hide them from your feed for a while, or maybe you need to unfollow them altogether (and you can hit that button without announcing your leave). But, if your mental health when you get off these apps is not in a good place, you may need to check the type of content you are consuming and see if that has anything to do with it. We need to be intentional with our online space, because it attributes to “mental clutter” in a different way than in-person relationships.
- Simplify and invest. There are so many amazing people I love learning from, but I just do not have time to listen to every story, livestream, IGTV, attend every online event, etc. Therefore, something I have chosen to do in this season is to base my consumption on the things that are most important for me to learn right now, and then I invest in 2-3 educators who have consistently challenged me and helped me grow. That may look like joining a couple of their patreons, making sure I get the first tickets to their webcasts or online cohorts, subscribe to their podcasts, or buy their books. But right now, based on time and priorities, it makes more sense to really invest in parts of education I need to chew on from an educator I trust and want to support rather than split my time on things that may be more surface-level for me in this season. This is new for me, but right now, I feel like this is a good method for me that I can change based on what my family needs, and I take that investment in education and growth more seriously.
- Don’t Forget Joy. Let’s be real: The conversations we are having in the adoption community are heavy. So while I think it is absolutely necessary to clear out the noise and be intentional about what you are consuming, I also want to encourage you not to forget to add necessary things to your feed simply because they are fun and bring you joy. For me, that looks like really good food, lots of natural health and plants, and a whole lot of Disney. Maybe for you that’s interior design, beautiful photography, dream travel destinations, whatever is fun for you and brings you joy! It is ok to create margins, and it is ok to love and be passionate about more than one thing. Side note: The people who you turn to for education are also human, so it’s ok for them to share things that aren’t related to adoption or foster care. Find the fun in that too-it’s yet another way to get to know someone!
- Build Real Relationships Online & Move Them Off The Apps. I want to encourage you that you can build real, solid, actual connection and friendships with people online, and as you do, find ways to connect through other forms of technology where you can at least hear each other and see each others faces. All of these friendships I created first started in comments on each other’s posts, then DM’s with deeper conversations, but eventually we moved them off the app. We actually text each other in real time, send voice texts, do Marco Polo’s and FaceTime or Zoom. It is going to be funny when we actually meet, because getting to hear their voices and faces personally and regularly I feel like we already have met, like we are just old friends. I have no doubt in my mind that seeing one another in the flesh isn’t going to be weird, because we “see” each other all the time. Instead it will be sweet, because there’s just no replacing sitting across from an actual table with someone. We are able to engage in deeper conversations not just about adoption, but the many other things going on in our lives too!
We need to remember that there are real humans behind our screens, and we are only seeing about 10% of the actual 90% they are living. We are getting spoonfuls, not the full story. May we be careful with our demands and gracious in our understanding, while simultaneously and actively working to be the heartbeat behind Kindred: A brave adoption community.
WRITTEN BY CHRISTA JORDAN: Christa is a wife, mom via adoption, coffee consumer, and Mary Poppins wannabe. A born and raised Texan, she is doing all the things she said she never would, like homeschooling, going gluten and dairy-free, using essential oils like they are going out of style, and writing her first book (and now her second!). She and her husband are both former social workers-turned-writers and entrepreneurs. She loves sharing about the joy and pain of adoption and helping to prepare others along the way. She keeps it raw and real, and you can find her rocking the mom-bun, making more coffee, and processing through words on her blog at spoonfulofjordan.com and other real-life shenanigans over on Instagram @spoonfulofjordanblog.
