THE TRUTH ABOUT OPEN ADOPTION

Open adoption is many things, but simple is not one of them.

Open adoption requires us to see and love one another for who we are:  our victories and our failures, our talents and our quirks, our joys and our sorrows.    We have to be open to another person’s concerns, questions, and heartaches.

Open adoption is a lot of give and take.  When one is strong, one might be weak.  When one is certain, the other might be confused.

Open adoption has requirements:  bravery, steadfastness, selflessness, empathy, willingness, forgiveness, grace, faith, trust, and hope.

So it is no wonder that some elect not to embark on an open adoption journey.  Initially, it seems easier to put up a wall and then guard it than to seemingly bear one’s soul to someone who is newly in our lives.   But let me tell you, building and guarding take work.  Exhausting work.  

What we know from many adoptees is that walls can do far more harm than good.   Walls create mystery and misery.   Walls elicit questions, doubts, and fears that wouldn’t exist if the wall were never built.    Walls don’t really keep in, as intended; what they really do is keep out.

Let me tell you a story.   

Once upon a time, there was a couple who got married on a summer Saturday, surrounded by friends and family.   The bride wore a sparkling white ball gown.  The groom wore a black tux, a Hawaiian flower symbolizing love and luck pinned to his jacket.  They said “I do,” and no sooner had the bride removed her veil so she could dance the night away at her reception, guests were asking when she and her groom intended on starting a family.

It was the natural next step.  “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.”   But the bride just laughed and said, “One day.”

That one day was five years later, when another mommy had a baby and placed her for adoption.   The couple was thrilled to be parents.  They had naively believed that a semi-open adoption was best, because after all, it was “half in” and safe for everyone involved.  Not too much.  Just enough.  Easier.

Turns out it wasn’t just enough.   And now, eight years later, this couple, my husband and I, have three children and three open adoptions.

We’re all in.   

There have many bumps along the journey, but instead of these bumps prompting us to begin building a wall and standing guard, they have helped us affirm our decision to keep opening ourselves up, wider and wider.   For nothing that is good is very perfectly easy.   We’ve learned to grow instead of recoil.  We’ve relished in the joy of our children knowing their birth families, getting their questions answered, and having the confidence that comes with a mom and dad who believe in big, wide, open arms and hearts.

I can’t say that open adoption is for everyone or that it’s a perfect solution to a complex situation.   Neither is true.  But what I can tell you is that there is a peace in knowing that instead of working so hard to be protective of one’s own heart, energy is poured into always having room in one’s heart for loving more.

Rachel Garlinghouse is a mom of three by domestic, transracial, open adoption.  She’s the author of five books and hundreds of articles.  Her experience and education have been featured on NPR, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Adoptive Families, Babble, abcnews.com, Yahoo! News, Medium, Fatherly, The Good Men Project, and many more.   Rachel rocks a top knot and a minivan.   Follow her family’s adventures on her Facebook page, Twitter, and Instagram.