The Byproduct of a Closed Adoption

I get asked all the time my thoughts about open and closed adoptions. Which is best? What is the most important? I cannot answer that. I will never be able to answer those questions. I am a byproduct of a closed adoption. An adoption that basically went missing as if it never even occurred. I sit in a position where my family knew nothing about my biological family. I sit in a position where my life lead to a lot of trauma… trauma outside of adoption. I did, however, like many adoptees, always wish I knew my heritage; wish I knew where my dominant physical characteristic came from. Would having access to that information or to the people who held that information changed my life course of trauma, loss, accomplishments, and fulfillment? I can’t answer that. 

I find it mildly stressful when I hear people say open adoption is the only way to do adoption well. I dislike the pressure I feel that my daughter doesn’t have an open adoption and neither did I. The word “open” is very ambiguous with no two situations being the same, along with ever-changing dynamics. Open adoption is on such a large spectrum. From only knowing who birth mom is, to in-person visitation, and everything in between. But it’s hard to talk about the open adoptions that aren’t really open, or the closed adoptions that we wish were different.

I would really like to see the community be more accepting of what works for all the families involved. 

I would love for the community to find grace and compassion when seasons change of contact to no contact and vice versa. 

I would love for the community to reiterate and redefine what open can mean.  

I would love for the community to release some of the pressure about who is doing it right and who is doing it wrong. 

This needs to be a community of compassion and togetherness. 

What I feel like often goes forgotten is we, adoptees, don’t get to choose adoption and we definitely do not get a say in the openness. So the countless times I hear the sighs, deep breaths, and big gulps when I say my adoption was closed or admit we don’t have contact with my daughter’s mom are extremely hurtful. More hurtful, to me as an adoptee, than the actual “closed” adoption. Neither of us had the opportunity to pick how our adoption would transpire but we are living a life full of love and depth with some really hard truths.

As an adoptee, I feel like hopeful adoptive parents can do things well if they also take the pressure off themselves. And as an adoptive parent, I cannot make every right decision and what is right at some point in time may be wrong at another point in time. We can honor first families in the many ways that fit our family dynamic, eliminating pressure on ourselves, which will intern take some stress off the adoptee. We can do little things to recognize and honor our children’s first families and birth moms whether the adoption is open or closed. Some ideas are having framed pictures of birth mom around the house or a photobook to talk about their adoption story, celebrate birthdays, if known, by getting donuts or blowing out candles or sending a card. If the adoption is open but in a season of silence you can just make sure they are still talked about in your home – say who gave them their cute outfit or where they got their beautiful curly hair from. If there is no information and no contact you can speak positively about their birth mom with love and honor. 

I am very mindful of the greatness that my adoption brought me. 

I am alive. 

I am happy. 

I am loved. 

After the many years of living a closed adoption, I know I have been on the minds and hearts of so many people whether I knew them or not.